Once you know; you know.

When does the line where things are vivid, and things are unidentifiable blur? At what point does that begin? I would like to go back to vividness. I like it when things are in black and white, and not gray. The gray scale sucks. Seriously.

[New Thought]
I have this kid. He is mine. Sorry. He's this totally rad guy that can make me smile on the gloomiest of days. He's one of the very few boys to ever hear me cry. He talks to me nearly 24 hours a day and still hasn't gotten sick of me. He's got my personality and amazing sense of style. JKJKJK, LOLOLOL. He's cooler than me. I don't really know what to say... I do know, though, that he's been making me happier than I have been in months. I know that he makes me feel like I deserve people's nicety's. I know that he's someone who I'd like to have in my life, with or without the title of boyfriend [MOSTLY WITH]. I know that he likes to make people smile, and that he really does care about me. I know that I like him enough to sit in his place of work for five hours and fifteen minutes just so I could see him on his breaks or when I could sneak a kissy. I know that he's texting me right now because he really wants to talk to me. Teehee. I know that he's got girls all over him, and yet.. he likes me. Which is stupid, but TOTALLY RAD. I know that he hates dances, but he's coming with me anyway just because it'd make me happy. I also know that he's the most gorgeous boy I have EVER laid eyes on, and I like to tap that. <3

[New Thought]
I'm an idiot. Let me inform you of this before you get too close to me. I pick my battles. Never the right battles. I pick my friends. Never the right friends. I fall in love with people. Never the right people. I make more mistakes than people my age should. I am not naive, just stubborn. I find error in the flawless. I am picky, irritating, obnoxious, and too nice for my own good. I let people walk all over me day in and day out. It's who I am.

[New Thought]
I have ridiculous fears including: seagulls, various other birds, metal tape measures, deer, driving, escalators, elevators. I fear being alone. I fear being in confined spaces. I fear that I will never be good enough. I fear that I will never succeed. I am afraid you will never like me the way I wish you would. I am afraid of you seeing who I legitimately am. I am afraid of hurting you. I am afraid of trusting you. I am afraid that you're just too naive to see me for WHO I am, not what I am. I'm afraid you will find someone better. I am afraid I'm not pretty enough for you, or smart enough, or daring enough, or funny enough. I am afraid.

[New Thought]
<---WHO KNOWS WHERE WE STAND.









[New Thought]
Here's something I jotted down on one of my assignments today:

I fear the ground is quaking beneath us;
I fear I will be stranded here.
A fear; a nightmare; an experiment;
The component which ushers in the night.
Hoping for the future to cancel out the past;
Gracefully calling to the morning.
Accompanied by the sounds of desperation;
This pencil comes alive.
I fear that this hole I am falling into is getting deeper.
I fear that I can climb no more.


[New Thought]
Here is another something that I found of mine:

I find myself in an ever-encroaching space.
A hole of sorts.
Digging into the sides to get to the top.
It never comes.
Dirt manages to find it's way underneath of my fingernails.
Hard to get rid of; never completely gone.
A scar of sorts.
A reminder of what is in the past.
Digging is the only way out.
The worst before the better.
Plaguing my mind with darkness, the Sun retires.
Gracefully slipping beneath the treeline.
I am alone.

[New Thought]
I hate when people are sweet as pie to you when no one is around, but the second they're with their friends or your friends or.. friends.. they are COMPLETE assholes. It's so fucking stupid. You're not cool if you're a dick.

<---You and I before.

I miss you, asshole. D:

I know what I want.

For once.
I finally know.

The problem is...

I want this;

Along with a side order of this;

But he's being a stupid boy. D:

God Hates Me.

Don't you hate it when you life is going downhill?

When all you can do is sit back and watch, hoping it might change.
Only because your attempts at making things better make things worse.


I do.

I haven't got Katt.
I haven't got Joe.
I haven't got Alex.
I haven't got Blake.
I haven't got Jake.
I barely have them even as friends.
I haven't got my mom.
I haven't got my dad.
I haven't got Rudy.
I barely have a family anymore.

I haven't got anyone but Conor. Conor, this sweet, amazing, gorgeous guy, who is too naive to see I will hurt him. I will corrupt him. I will ruin him. He barely even knows me, and yet, he's being the most supportive, caring, trusting, gentle individuals I come into contact with. He's being the only one who is trying to help my through this. I really do love it when the only person that you can count on is someone who is willing to help you just because they think you're too good to be down all the time. He says things that I don't understand. Telling me that I'm beautiful, sweet, cute. Telling me that he thinks I deserve better than how things have been. I can't/don't/won't understand it. I don't understand why he is being so nice to me. I don't understand why he likes me the way he does. I am paranoid. He likes me, I know he does, he tells me he does. I like him, he knows I do, I tell him I do. However, he's not MINE, like.. he won't ask me out, not because he doesn't want to, but because he's afraid he's gonna get bored with the relationship like he has with all of his ex's, he's afraid it's part of his personality. Well, part of my personality is being really a paranoid having feelings if the person can't even be with me. Make sense? He's gorgeous, too. Which is AWESOME, but it also sucks, girls flirt with him and hit on him all the time. It's so fucking stupid. I have no reason to worry, because he tells me I don't, and I genuinely believe him [which, by the way, scares the piss outta me. I do not trust]. However, I will have that fear because of my past experiences.

Do you know what else sucks? Knowing that your best friend hates you because you had sex with a guy you are really starting to like. Even though, both he and I decided that that wasn't the best way to have our first time, and decided to post-pone our "fun times" to a later date, when it can be special. It sucks knowing that you made a mistake that didn't even concern your bestfriend, and yet, they get mad at you. At the worst time, no less. The time when you really need someone around. Someone who you can pour yourself into, without being too scared of getting attached. Because it's too late. You're already attached to her. You have been for years, waiting patiently for her to want you to, but it doesn't happen. She isn't sure she wants you, and you aren't sure she ever could. Now she has him. I hate him. Not him as a person. Him as a boy who she can pour emotion into and care about the way you always hoped she would for you. I never even thought that's why I didn't like him. But now, I get it. I understand myself.

Finally.

I am tired of missing you.
So, I won't.


Even though you finally called.

Upon waking to see the phone ringing with your name on the Caller ID, I told you what I wanted to tell you.

"I will not assume you will do a thing you say. I will not hold my breath hoping that you'll call, and I certainly will not let the fact that you ditch me constantly, get under my skin. Finally, you are not my problem anymore."

It's finally over.

Ahh! Boys Make Girls Do Weird Things...

Like stay up all night thinking about what they did wrong.
Hoping to apologize and make everything better.

Like hoping that the hours pass by faster.
So she can see a boy she fancies sooner.

Like loving unconditionally and hating every second of it.
Knowing he doesn't want it anymore. :[

Like writing a message to him in the wee hours of the morning.
Giving him something to smile at as he awakens.

Boys, like you, make girls, like me, miserably happy, and happily miserable.
Girls, like me, wish boys, like you, knew how much you meant to them, even though they couldn't ever know.

I've been craving to kiss you for a couple days now.
Get here as soon as you can. I want to fulfill my craving. <3
You have the most gorgeous smile.
I can't help but smile, when see it.

...Why am I crying writing this?

I have a crush on a boy.
He's not Joe.
Does that mean I don't like Joe?
NOT AT ALL.
Fucking bastard has my entire heart.
Always will.

I love school.
But thank GOD, I'm almost out of here.
Four classes a day, and I'm STILL unable to focus.

I should have stayed a virgin. I should have stayed pristine, and I should be a goody-two-shoes.

In Hate Versus Love. I Choose "Versus."

I hate him for making my life miserable.
I love him more than anything.
I hate him for breaking my heart.
I love him for patching it back up again.
I hate him for wanting to be near her.
I love him for hurting her.
I hate him for putting me second to everything in his life.
I love how he is happier with me than anywhere else.
I hate how I love him unconditionally.



He took that for me. We were taking pictures and he got really excited and said he'd go take me a good picture of him. he was complaining that he didn't like the pictures I was taking of him. After a few minutes, he came back into the room, and handed me the camera with a big smile on his face. I as I gazed upon the picture he had taken for me, I began to blush, smile, and get a little happier than I had been in a long time.
Why is it that he makes me so fucking miserable when were away from eachother. But the second we're together we're the happiest people on the face of this planet. It's like we need eachother to survive.

I will never date him again. Ever.
Maybe that's just the hate talking.