Surprise!

He came over for a surprise visit.
I looooved it. :D

He's done that more since we broke up.
Maybe he's going to start loving me again, like he used to.
I'm scared to get my hopes up, because..
I feel like he really doesn't even wanna try to stay with me.
Everything he says, and does, and how he acts with me,
Has been so much better, than it ever was when we were us.

Maybe he really does love me, maybe he really doesn't want to lose me, this time.

Maybe.. I just really want him to love me back.

He fucked her...

...again

Cool. I feel really good.

On the bright-side.
he still loves me...
he sent her an angry message describing that he loves me.
&& he refused to kiss her, because he loves me.
I don't think he would have said it, if it didn't make her upset.

The last few times we've had sex. I have been faking orgasms.
One, because.. I feel like I should be having sex with him, maybe he'll stay around.
Two, I need to know he feels something for me, even if it's lust.
Three, I don't like to make him keep going until I get off, because I take forever... so I let him go.
Four, the sex has been amazing.. like, spectacular... but.. my mind is elsewhere.

I have, however, been reminded that he loves me.

He kissed my like he meant it this past Thursday, and it wasn't just in the heat of the moment.
He looked into my eyes, like something out of a movie, and kissed me, hard and long.

I enjoyed every second.
It's the little things that remind me he still loves me.

I'm not okay.
I need a hug.
I'm not okay.
I need a hug.
I'm not okay.
I need a hug.
I'm not okay.
I need a hug.
I'm not okay.
I need a hug.
I'm not okay.
I need a hug.
I'm not okay.
I need a hug.
I'm not okay.
I need a hug.

Gimme some alcohol so I can drown this mess.

Yesterday

Was amazing.

I felt more beautiful than ever.

He kissed me like he meant it.

He looked at me like he loved me.

He acted like he wanted me there.

He acted like I was his again.



But now that I think back on it.
Being happy about that, isn't a good thing.

Why can't he just love me back?

Oh baybee youuuu, you got what I neeeeed..

...But you say I'm just a friend, but you say I'm just a friend.

A best friend.

he's here.

You think I'd be better by now.
You'd be wrong if you thought that.

I'm worse.

The only time it seems like he wants to be near me is when we fuck.
He always sounds aggravated when I call him, like I'm bothering him.

I have to kiss him first, always.
I have to say "I love you" first, always.

He doesn't even cuddle with me when we sleep next to eachother anymore.
I tried to cuddle with him, and he stayed for a second, and then moved away.

He's falling out of love with me, I can feel it.
I'm so fucking scared.

___________________________________________________

His mom's in the hospital and I understand that.
I know it seems selfish, but he said he'd be with me today.
He just... acted like it wasn't a big deal that he couldn't be with me.
He used to at least act like he was sorry he had to go.

Come to think of it...
He didn't even apologize that he had to break our plans.
He barely even kissed me goodbye.

___________________________________________________

It also seems like she doesn't like me anymore.
I don't know what I did.

She's hung up on me every time we've been on the phone in the last two weeks.
She seems like she doesn't even want to be anywhere near me anymore.

Why does everything have to come crashing down together?

I'm covering my depression with apathy.
I'm covering my depression with books.
I'm covering my depression with silence.
I'm covering my depression with running.

I'm covering my depression.

I'm still depressed.

[I don't even think he noticed that I wasn't okay because of him.]