I can't take this anymore.
I think I'm falling out of love with him, and into like.
I think that's good.
I just want things to go back to how they were, though.
I thought they might for a few days.
Then I fucked up.
I'm sorry, baybee. I really am.
I think I have another UTI.
I'm secretly not telling him.
Hoping he'll get one too.
Maybe then he can feel SOME sort of pain.
Even if it's not emotional. =/
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Saturday, July 5, 2008
You just left.
I watched your car drive away into the distance of my long street. I watched as the red lights veered around the corner until it was virtual black at the top of the street, with slight light emanating off of the street lamp a few feet down the next road. I watched for minutes, moments, and what seemed to be hours hoping maybe you'd come back, but you never did. I strolled dismally into my house, greeted by my barking dog, and a half-lit home. I went up to my room; sitting on the edge of the bed, I immediately burst into tears thinking, "I shouldn't have kissed him, I should have never asked him to come over. I fucked up, again." Not because of anything that you did while you were here, but because any time that there is the slightest bit of hope; a slight glimmer in your eyes that says you might want me back, I get so excited. Exceeding the limits of hopefulness, each time, I am let down by a less than surprising move on your part. I give you love, kindness, trust, friendship, and so much more, and you give me... hope that something that will never get better will get better. Your gift is the worst and best gift in the entire world. The worst because, my hopes are so high that you'll be mine again, I don't see the forest through the trees, and I don't realize this cycle is never going to end. The best because for those thirty seconds where my hopes are up, I'm the happiest I will ever be. I'm willing to be hurt one thousand times over, as long as in between the hurt, I get to feel like you still love me.
Just remember that I'm here, and always will be.
I watched your car drive away into the distance of my long street. I watched as the red lights veered around the corner until it was virtual black at the top of the street, with slight light emanating off of the street lamp a few feet down the next road. I watched for minutes, moments, and what seemed to be hours hoping maybe you'd come back, but you never did. I strolled dismally into my house, greeted by my barking dog, and a half-lit home. I went up to my room; sitting on the edge of the bed, I immediately burst into tears thinking, "I shouldn't have kissed him, I should have never asked him to come over. I fucked up, again." Not because of anything that you did while you were here, but because any time that there is the slightest bit of hope; a slight glimmer in your eyes that says you might want me back, I get so excited. Exceeding the limits of hopefulness, each time, I am let down by a less than surprising move on your part. I give you love, kindness, trust, friendship, and so much more, and you give me... hope that something that will never get better will get better. Your gift is the worst and best gift in the entire world. The worst because, my hopes are so high that you'll be mine again, I don't see the forest through the trees, and I don't realize this cycle is never going to end. The best because for those thirty seconds where my hopes are up, I'm the happiest I will ever be. I'm willing to be hurt one thousand times over, as long as in between the hurt, I get to feel like you still love me.
Just remember that I'm here, and always will be.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Here's the issue.
Obviously as you know, I love Joe. However, lately been having problems, as you would already know as well... I gave up on the situation and decided to just be his friend. then I went on a date with this guy Taylor, who I really like, and he likes me, and everything went really well with that. Well... I spent the night at my friend Katt's dad's apartment, with Joe and her last night. And suddenly, Joe had never been more honest or affectionate. Suddenly it seems like he wants me back, again. And today, he asked me to choose between him and Taylor. Here were my options.
Choose Taylor - Get to be with a boy I could potentially love, and be happy with, and lose Joe even as a friend.
Choose Joe- Lose a guy I could potentially fall head over heels for, and hope that maybe Joe will decide he wants to date me again, and wait until that happens.
Bare in mind, I still love Joe. But being with Taylor on our date, and earlier today made me incredibly happy, and.. he's an awesome kisser. [Sorry. xD]
Also, bare in mind, spending yesterday and part of today with Joe has made me just want to be with him again. I sent him a text after he had to leave this morning, that basically said, "You're smart, funny, gorgeous, amazing, perfect, and i miss you already." And he [a guy that hasn't responded to my texts and virtually never says anything showing he cares] replied with, "You're all that and a box of chocolates. I miss you too."
Yesterday went like this:
Date with Taylor.
He had to leave because he had lessons [vocal & guitar]
Met up with Joe.
I snuck away from the group and called Taylor.
Joe came out, and realized that I wasn't calling my mom and that it was Taylor.
He admitted that it made him really unhappy to know I was talking to another guy, romantically.
Joe and I drove to the park and talked, and everything got amazingly better.
Joe spent the night.
I woke up in Joe's arms, he cuddled with me the WHOLE night.
[Which he hasn't done in months, not since we were dating.]
Joe left for an orthodontist appointment really early.
Taylor came over.
I fondled Taylor.
Felt horrible about it.
Taylor left.
I called Joe, asking him to come over.
Joe came over.
Told Joe nothing about Taylor.
Joe asked me to choose one of them. =/
I told Joe I chose him.
When really. I don't know who I choose.
Fucking shit. =/
Taylor is a fucking amazing kisser. Hands down.
Gosh, I really like him. =[
But.. I really LOVE Joe. =/
Obviously as you know, I love Joe. However, lately been having problems, as you would already know as well... I gave up on the situation and decided to just be his friend. then I went on a date with this guy Taylor, who I really like, and he likes me, and everything went really well with that. Well... I spent the night at my friend Katt's dad's apartment, with Joe and her last night. And suddenly, Joe had never been more honest or affectionate. Suddenly it seems like he wants me back, again. And today, he asked me to choose between him and Taylor. Here were my options.
Choose Taylor - Get to be with a boy I could potentially love, and be happy with, and lose Joe even as a friend.
Choose Joe- Lose a guy I could potentially fall head over heels for, and hope that maybe Joe will decide he wants to date me again, and wait until that happens.
Bare in mind, I still love Joe. But being with Taylor on our date, and earlier today made me incredibly happy, and.. he's an awesome kisser. [Sorry. xD]
Also, bare in mind, spending yesterday and part of today with Joe has made me just want to be with him again. I sent him a text after he had to leave this morning, that basically said, "You're smart, funny, gorgeous, amazing, perfect, and i miss you already." And he [a guy that hasn't responded to my texts and virtually never says anything showing he cares] replied with, "You're all that and a box of chocolates. I miss you too."
Yesterday went like this:
Date with Taylor.
He had to leave because he had lessons [vocal & guitar]
Met up with Joe.
I snuck away from the group and called Taylor.
Joe came out, and realized that I wasn't calling my mom and that it was Taylor.
He admitted that it made him really unhappy to know I was talking to another guy, romantically.
Joe and I drove to the park and talked, and everything got amazingly better.
Joe spent the night.
I woke up in Joe's arms, he cuddled with me the WHOLE night.
[Which he hasn't done in months, not since we were dating.]
Joe left for an orthodontist appointment really early.
Taylor came over.
I fondled Taylor.
Felt horrible about it.
Taylor left.
I called Joe, asking him to come over.
Joe came over.
Told Joe nothing about Taylor.
Joe asked me to choose one of them. =/
I told Joe I chose him.
When really. I don't know who I choose.
Fucking shit. =/
Taylor is a fucking amazing kisser. Hands down.
Gosh, I really like him. =[
But.. I really LOVE Joe. =/
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
He hates me. :D
I'm going to try to be JUST his friend.
I'm really going to try this time.
But the truth is...
I don't want to be JUST his friend.
_________________________________________________
Maybe I can forget him when I go on my date tomorrow.The new guy is cute, funny, smart, and talented.
Maybe he'll be different. Maybe he'll change me. =]
_________________________________________________
I'm not nearly as pretty as I thought he'd want. But he made me feel like I was.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Surprise!
He came over for a surprise visit.
I looooved it. :D
He's done that more since we broke up.
Maybe he's going to start loving me again, like he used to.
I'm scared to get my hopes up, because..
I feel like he really doesn't even wanna try to stay with me.
Everything he says, and does, and how he acts with me,
Has been so much better, than it ever was when we were us.
Maybe he really does love me, maybe he really doesn't want to lose me, this time.
I looooved it. :D
He's done that more since we broke up.
Maybe he's going to start loving me again, like he used to.
I'm scared to get my hopes up, because..
I feel like he really doesn't even wanna try to stay with me.
Everything he says, and does, and how he acts with me,
Has been so much better, than it ever was when we were us.
Maybe he really does love me, maybe he really doesn't want to lose me, this time.
Maybe.. I just really want him to love me back.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
He fucked her...
...again
...again
Cool. I feel really good.
On the bright-side.
he still loves me...
he sent her an angry message describing that he loves me.
&& he refused to kiss her, because he loves me.
I don't think he would have said it, if it didn't make her upset.
he still loves me...
he sent her an angry message describing that he loves me.
&& he refused to kiss her, because he loves me.
I don't think he would have said it, if it didn't make her upset.
The last few times we've had sex. I have been faking orgasms.
One, because.. I feel like I should be having sex with him, maybe he'll stay around.
Two, I need to know he feels something for me, even if it's lust.
Three, I don't like to make him keep going until I get off, because I take forever... so I let him go.
Four, the sex has been amazing.. like, spectacular... but.. my mind is elsewhere.
I have, however, been reminded that he loves me.
He kissed my like he meant it this past Thursday, and it wasn't just in the heat of the moment.
He looked into my eyes, like something out of a movie, and kissed me, hard and long.
I enjoyed every second.
It's the little things that remind me he still loves me.
It's the little things that remind me he still loves me.
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