My emotions are askew.

I want to get fucked up.

That's about it, blogger.

OH! One more thing! I lied, sorry!

I get to see Conor tomorrow too. :)


SHIT! I lied AGAIN!

Joe's eighteenth birthday is today! I called him at 11:57 and made him talk to me until 12:01. I got to say it first. I miss him a lot. I mean he was my best friend, losing him even as that sucks, blogger. A lot. Although, he fucks with my emotions.
Maybe it's better he's an adult now?
Maybe he'll forget about me entirely? :)

________________________

I just dropped back down to depressed.
I've been trying to be nice today.
It kinda worked. D:
I just don't want him to leave me.

I like my boyfriend alot.

I'm babysitting, again.

These kids are whack Arnolds'.

I feel better today.

I've been fucking up.

I'm tryingt o fix myself.

I promise, blogger.

You'll see.

I love love love love love being a fuck-up, dude.
It's my favourite ever.

[Other than Conor, of course.]



By the way:

I realized that I am too stupid to get my shit straight.

I realized that I am basically only happy when I do drugs.

I realized that I am slowly slipping into the ninth grade Blaine.

I realized that it wasn't his fault.

________________________________

Thor: heyy
Me: Hai.
Me: hao r u
Me: My power has been out for the last 3 and a half hours.
Thor: wow
Thor: im sorry
Thor: how else have you been
Thor: how was your weekend
Me: I have been having to listen to my fucking family cuss eachother out
Me: all fucking night
Me: AND I'm depressed as fuck.
Me: oh, and Conor prolly hates me, to-boot.
Thor: :[
Me: Just.. genuinely depressed.
Me: My mood sucks.
Me: all the fucking time.
Thor: mmm
Me: I haven't felt HAPPY in weeks.
Me: && I've been basically horrible to Conor whenever I feel like it because I'm a stupid cunt and can't control my emotions for shit.
Me: He's good to me no matter what. God damn it.
Me: I haven't felt anything other than depressed or angry in weeks.
Thor: its not totally uncommon to feel those emotions
Thor: so how was the rest of Saturday
Me: Conor and I did nothing.
Me: When I was with him I felt fucking amazing, like it was the best way in the world to spend my birthday, and he wanted so badly to make me happy, and while I was there, with him, I was.
Me: But then I got home and I realized that it was a lame way to spend my birthday because it was like ANY OTHER DAY.
Me: That doesn't change anything, though. My birthday, I mean.
Me: I've never had a good one anyway. So in comparison, this one fucking ruled.
Me: Even if it wasn't more exciting than any other day. hell, people even fucking REMEMBERED this year.
Thor: werdd
Thor: im sorry your birthday weekend went so lamely
Me: I wasn't excited that it was my birthday
Me: I wasn't happy getting gifts
Me: or birthday wishes
Me: nothing mattered to me.
Me: AT ALL. I had complete apathy.
Thor: i'm sry
Me: I feel like an uber bitch
Me: but GOD DAMN IT
Thor: s'all good
Thor: everybody has their days and or weeeks
Thor: so when are we ever going to hang out again and or see each other

[CUT OUT]

Me: OH YEAH. Not only do I have anger and depression, but I also am filled with paranoia and apathy and ALL I WANT TO DO IS DRUGS.
Thor: that's normal for me
Thor: paranoia and alienated self loathing is what i constantly feel
Me: I feel like you.
Thor: its nice isn't it?
Thor: taking retreat and finding solace in a ball of self hatred
Me: I don't understand this.
Me: Everything has been going pretty damn good.
Me: but I don't FEEL good.
Thor: werd
Thor: i g2g
Me: Kayz.
Me: Thanks for listening. :c
______________________________

I settled on this for English:

"4

It seems as though, these sad songs just keep playing.
Drawing me back to a place that I am all too familiar with.
Caressing my inner depression.
Teasing my insecurities.
Destroying any hope of an opening,
That I can squeeze myself free through.
I am too fragile to make it out alive.

I cannot bend, budge, or move to your will.
I cannot send the stress to sunsets, and forget.
I ca not smother the feeling something is altered.
That something has changed.
I am not me. I think the music is winning.

It seems as though, these sad songs just keep playing.
Shattering me like a mirror,
One thousand shards or more to tidy.
Cutting myself trying to pick them up,
With bare hands and sensitive flesh.
They heal over, yet the scars remain.
I am too fragile to make it out alive.

I cannot see the forest for the trees.
I cannot read between the lines, or sing the right notes.
Here I am, now, singing along.
Feeling every emotion the words entail.
I am not me. I think the music is winning.

It seems as though, these sad songs just keep playing.
Drawing me deeper with each new beat.
Letting me down with each sorrowful lyric.
Caressing my ear drums.
Teasing my emotions.
Destroying any sound that might provoke me
To be anything but how I am right now.

The music has definitely won.
I am too fragile to make it out alive."

My birthday is officially over.
It.. went well.



I wish I wasn't so fucking stupid, though.

You don't look like him to me.
Maybe you've manifested yourself into my world.
Maybe I just wish he was you.
Who the fuck knows what I feel, anymore?
Certainly not me, that's for sure.

You, my darling boy, are my Ryan.
______________________________

We had to write a poem about ourselves in English.
Mine was too depressing to hand-in.
I would surely be sent to the guidance office.
Where they would call my parents.
I'd go back to therapy.

That's where I belong, though.
Therapy.
I'd be happy going there.
Unlike all the other kids.
I want to be happy, I strive for it.

But these sad songs just keep playing.
Drawing me back to a place I'm all too familiar with.
Caressing my inner depression.
Teasing my insecurities.
Destroying any hope of an opening,
That I can squeeze myself free through.
I think the music is winning.

_________________________

Here are two things that made me think of him while I was reading during my babysitting extravaganza:

ONE:
"Sage stepped up on her tiptoes and pressed her lips to his for a long crushing kiss that made Brandon wonder why he was wasting any time thinking about his inner dorkdom, being upstaged by Heath Ferro, or anything other than the beautiful girl in front of him."

Mine would sound more like this:

"He leaned down an kissed her, making sure to catch her just as she sheepishly smiled looking into his brown eyes. This kiss, making her wonder why she was worried about all the other girls, why she gets flustered with him when he can't be around or anything other than the perfect, loving guy, in front of her."

He makes me feel that way with every kiss. Every single one. No complaints.

TWO:
"Nothing he had ever said had felt so cruel- not even that time she wore a pink Vera Wang bubble dress to the Spring Fling and he told her that she looked like a pink frosted cupcake. He hadn't meant to be cruel then- it was just a clueless guy kind of thing to say. He'd spent the rest of the night trying to convince her that he loved cupcakes."

Mine would sound like this:

"Nothing he had ever said had felt so cruel- not even those times he'd made fun of her before. They appeared so minuscule she couldn't remember any occasions for comparison- it was just a clueless guy kind of thing to say. He'd spent the rest of the night trying to convince her that she wasn't fat, and he didn't mean it that way."

That's the kind of guy he is. Innocent, and unaware. It wouldn't have effected me if it didn't come from him, and if he didn't say something that toyed with my insecurities. He tried to make it better. I should have just let him.

I'm too fragile. I'll never make it out.

Autumn's Offering:

With Autumn...
Comes my depression.
Comes the cold.
Comes my mood swings.
Comes loss of friends.
Comes the end of marking period one.
Worst of all, with Autumn comes my birthday.

My birthday is the most loathed holiday in a years time. JUST beating Christmas. My birthday has never been a celebration. I can't remember one good thing about ANY of my birthdays. I've had seventeen of them by Saturday. Zero out of seventeen. What an unscathed record. I even cancelled my birthday dinner this year in fear of it being just like all of the other birthdays.

Reasons for cancelling my birthday dinner:
-No one should ever have to pay for my ANYTHING.
-No one should ahve to rearrange their schedule for me.
-I am an inconvenience.
-No one wanted to come other than Katt, Fire, Tessa, and Thor.
-My boyfriend would rather spend time with his friends.
-I am genuinely depressed, and have no motivation for anything.
-I am too emotional for my own good.
-I wanted Katt to maybe see Evan Friday night so that she'd make him smile.
-No one has a way there, anyway.
-Blake doesn't even want to be around me.

Am I really turning into Alex?

Read my fears:
-Being fat. [He didn't mean to, but called me fat. I freaked out. That's a big fear of mine.]
-Being too ________. [He didn't mean it in a bad way, but he said that I kiss him alot more than his crazy ex. I don't want to be his crazy girlfriend. Fuck.] I dont' want to be too much of ANYTHING.
-Turning into Alex. [Blake told me I was turning into Alex. I wanted to cry on the spot.]
-Crying too much. [I'm an emotional wreck.]
-Fucking shit up with Conor. [I will. I know it. I'm waiting for it.]
-I'm terrified I'll be alone. Horrified; scared shitless.

Is it pathetic that I am legitimately crying right now?

Ithinkyes.

Pathetic:
-I haven't had a bad day.
-I am getting paid to babysit kids that are asleep right now.
-I've got it easy.

Not Pathetic:
- I miss Conor.
- I feel like my friends are drifting from me.
- I'm insecure as fuck right now.
- I feel alone.
- Autumn makes me depressed.
- I hate my birthday.
- My mom hates me more than usual.
- I'm a terrible daughter and student.
- I only want to get fucked up right now.
- Getting fucked up makes me happy.

Thislistsaysno.

____________________________________

Let me tell you about Conor.

I like him, alot.
I like when he puts his glasses on and looks like a MAJOR indie kid.
I like the way he looks at me like I matter to him, like I mean something.
I like when his hair is allll messed up, because he still looks adorable.
I like when he kisses my cheek, I like it more than when he kisses my mouth.
I like when he says stupid things that don't make any sense because he's tired and won't admit it.
I like that he tells me he misses me, since when do people miss me?
I like that he seems to care about me like I care about him. I'm not used to that.
I like when he wears his yellow T-shirt with the heart being filled because it looks good on him.
I like when he wants to hold my hand in front of people, since when are people not ashamed of me?
I like the fact that no matter how bitchy I am, he's sweet to me.
I like that he thinks me being delirious when I wake up is cute.
I like that I feel safe wearing my heart on my sleeve in front of him.
I like that after we kiss he gets this adorable smirk on his face that he always tries to hide.
I like that he actually wants me to hang out with him and his friends.
I like that he constantly make me feel like I'm worth something.
I like when he wears his silly scarves simply because he loves them, not because he's trying to be cool.
I like that he's uncomfortable with the AEHS girls always wanting to fuck him.
I like that he keeps texting me even when I know I'm annoying him.
I like that his heart is always in the right place.
I like that he's not worried too much about impressing people.

I dislike when he's with his friends and he's more immature than usual.
Maturity means growth.
I dislike when he wants to put his finger in my nose.
WHO DOES THAT?
I dislike how he is entirely vulgar with me, even thought that means he's comfortable.
I try hard as fuck to keep him liking me. It's like he doesn't care if I stay or go. He doesn't want to impress me anymore.
I dislike how he blows off talking to me when he's with his "other" group of friends or how he forgets to call me when he gets home from being with them, even when I say, "Please don't forget about me."
"I never do" is a lie. They pretty much only get him into bad situations, anyway.
I dislike how he doesn't have time to talk to me on the phone anymore, or how he calls too late, and gets sleepy.
He used to always have time. Maybe now that he has me, he doesn't feel like he has to try anymore.
I dislike how he says things without thinking, because even when he's kidding.. I take it seriously.
I'm insecure and sensitive. I hid my face in your shit when you accidentally called me fat because I was tearing up. That's what Alex does to me. Everything he says eats away at me.
I dislike how he doesn't talk to me when he's not okay.
If he can't open up, why the fuck should I? Maybe I'll go back to talking to Joe when I'm not okay.



I don't dislike much. Most of those things are small anyway. I'm scared, though. All small things get bigger, and grow. They don't just go away. I don't want to lose him. Maybe I'm just being stupid. However, it's ohkay because I don't have the balls to say any of this to his face. Nothing can possibly change if he never knows how I feel, right? Good. Let's keep it that way. I'm fucking ridiculously happy with him. DO NOT MISINTERPRET. Everyone dislikes things about someone else, no matter who they are. The good outweighs the bad, anyway.