Wednesday, September 17, 2008

God Hates Me.

Don't you hate it when you life is going downhill?
When all you can do is sit back and watch, hoping it might change.
Only because your attempts at making things better make things worse.

I do.

I haven't got Katt.
I haven't got Joe.
I haven't got Alex.
I haven't got Blake.
I haven't got Jake.
I barely have them even as friends.
I haven't got my mom.
I haven't got my dad.
I haven't got Rudy.
I barely have a family anymore.

I haven't got anyone but Conor. Conor, this sweet, amazing, gorgeous guy, who is too naive to see I will hurt him. I will corrupt him. I will ruin him. He barely even knows me, and yet, he's being the most supportive, caring, trusting, gentle individuals I come into contact with. He's being the only one who is trying to help my through this. I really do love it when the only person that you can count on is someone who is willing to help you just because they think you're too good to be down all the time. He says things that I don't understand. Telling me that I'm beautiful, sweet, cute. Telling me that he thinks I deserve better than how things have been. I can't/don't/won't understand it. I don't understand why he is being so nice to me. I don't understand why he likes me the way he does. I am paranoid. He likes me, I know he does, he tells me he does. I like him, he knows I do, I tell him I do. However, he's not MINE, like.. he won't ask me out, not because he doesn't want to, but because he's afraid he's gonna get bored with the relationship like he has with all of his ex's, he's afraid it's part of his personality. Well, part of my personality is being really a paranoid having feelings if the person can't even be with me. Make sense? He's gorgeous, too. Which is AWESOME, but it also sucks, girls flirt with him and hit on him all the time. It's so fucking stupid. I have no reason to worry, because he tells me I don't, and I genuinely believe him [which, by the way, scares the piss outta me. I do not trust]. However, I will have that fear because of my past experiences.

Do you know what else sucks? Knowing that your best friend hates you because you had sex with a guy you are really starting to like. Even though, both he and I decided that that wasn't the best way to have our first time, and decided to post-pone our "fun times" to a later date, when it can be special. It sucks knowing that you made a mistake that didn't even concern your bestfriend, and yet, they get mad at you. At the worst time, no less. The time when you really need someone around. Someone who you can pour yourself into, without being too scared of getting attached. Because it's too late. You're already attached to her. You have been for years, waiting patiently for her to want you to, but it doesn't happen. She isn't sure she wants you, and you aren't sure she ever could. Now she has him. I hate him. Not him as a person. Him as a boy who she can pour emotion into and care about the way you always hoped she would for you. I never even thought that's why I didn't like him. But now, I get it. I understand myself.

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