Wednesday, December 24, 2008

youexxplode: blaine you need to give yourself more credit you are great and any guy would be lucky to date you but thats just what happens when some immature little boy cant handle his drugs
youexxplode: i know nothing i say will make you feel any better but i thought i should tell you that anyway
youexxplode: just dont forget it


youexxplode: i like your name
Ohhh x Bumblebee: I hate my name.
Ohhh x Bumblebee: xD
youexxplode: i like it
youexxplode: its unique
youexxplode: i dont think i know anyone else with the name blaine
Ohhh x Bumblebee: It fits me
Ohhh x Bumblebee: but I don't like me either
Ohhh x Bumblebee: sooooo
Ohhh x Bumblebee: xD
youexxplode: whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?!?!?!?!?!
youexxplode: are you insane?!
youexxplode: whats not to like
youexxplode: huh huh huh?!
Ohhh x Bumblebee: I like YOU.
Ohhh x Bumblebee: I wish you lived closer.
Ohhh x Bumblebee: Fuck being my male attachment
Ohhh x Bumblebee: you could be my boyfriend
Ohhh x Bumblebee: omfg
Ohhh x Bumblebee: I used that word!
youexxplode: :-D
youexxplode: you should move closer ASAP
Ohhh x Bumblebee: I knowwww. I want to.
Ohhh x Bumblebee: You're good ot me.
Ohhh x Bumblebee: *to
youexxplode: you would be an awesome girlfriend
Ohhh x Bumblebee: You would be an incredible boyfriend.
youexxplode: <3
Ohhh x Bumblebee: <3
youexxplode: we would just be an incredible couple
Ohhh x Bumblebee: I know!
youexxplode: the end
Ohhh x Bumblebee: Can I call you?
youexxplode: plus you are really really pretty and if we were dating id probably never stop kissing you
youexxplode: and i would like that very much
Ohhh x Bumblebee: I can call you?
Ohhh x Bumblebee: Silly boy.
Ohhh x Bumblebee: You would have to stop kissing me
Ohhh x Bumblebee: SO I COULD KISS YOU.
youexxplode: you can try but i have like no service where i am right now cause im at my dad's and i won't be home until sunday
youexxplode: cause im in ohio and it sucksssssssss
youexxplode: haha you are too cute
youexxplode: i wanna give you a big hug and lift you up and spin you around then then give you a cute little kiss on the nose
Ohhh x Bumblebee: My mouth would be jealous of the action my nose was getting. Could it have some too?
youexxplode: of courseeeeeeeee
youexxplode: you can have all the kisses you went where ever you want how ever you want them :-)
Ohhh x Bumblebee: I am listening to your myspace playlisttt. :]
youexxplode: as long as i get to kiss you i dont care :-)
Ohhh x Bumblebee: I'm smiling and dancing.
Ohhh x Bumblebee: You made this Christmas a good one. A REALLY good one.
Ohhh x Bumblebee: <3
youexxplode: aww but i didnt even do anything!
youexxplode: if i lived closer id come by right now and suprise you with hot cocoa and keep you company till its midnight then surprise you with a gift
youexxplode: since it would be such short notice though id probably make you a gift so it wouldnt be that great
Ohhh x Bumblebee: You are the sweetest guy EVER.
youexxplode: haha no way
youexxplode: you must have me mistaken for someone else

youexxplode: 4 hours is far but not far enough to make not wanna come see you

[If he comes to see me then I will fucking GO HOME with him.]

I'm easily frustrated and you are not helping.

I'm destined to be alone.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Cody is pretty. :D

The other.. is NOT.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

...none of my issues seem important to me anymore.

I plan to get my head out of my ass.
& worry about those who matter.

I get nervous

When I see Zach Zapata:
because he looks like you.
because he sounds like you.
because he is the closest thing I have to you.

I'm having a panic attack.

I can't catch my breath.
I can't settle down.
You have that effect on me.
& you're not even here.

I'm having a panic attack.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

There you are, sir.

You know what else? You stopped calling like you used to.. or talking to me like you used to. It's like you think that you don't have to try with me anymore because you've already caught me. It's dumb. WHY DO GUYS DO THAT. ERG. I'm going to regret saying these things in the morning. But I need to clear my head. I am sorry. Please don't take this as you're a fuck up, or as I don't like you anymore, and don't think that I deserve better. because if I wanted better. I wouldn't have chosen you to be with. On a scale of one to ten here is what I honestly think. [1 is lowest priority 10 is highest]. Drugs are about a 37 and I am about a... 3? I completely understand your drug use. & I completely understand your alcohol abuse. You do it because anything is better than reality. I DO THE SAME THING. But please GOD consider the fact that MAYBE you can be happy without that shit being choked down your throat everyday. Let me in, Kurt. Cool, I haven't gained your trust yet? Rad. Even if it's not me that you let in. Let SOMEONE in. Jean-Claude, maybe? You cna be happy if you want to be. But in allll honesty. I don't think you want to be. So, yeah. You grew up with a family that fucked you over. So, yeah. The accident made you miserable, it traumatized you. So, yeah. All of your friends have now gone away to college, and you have no idea what to do with yourself when you can't see them. I get it. You feel alone. You don't understand why you are here. Why you are alive. You feel like no one can even remotely relate to you and your woes. You hate yourself. You want nothing more than to be up in heaven with your family members. You miss them. I get it. Here's the deal. You would NOT be here, unless you were meant to be. I strongly believe that with every fiber of my being. I would NEVER give you false hope, or tell you shit will get better when it won't. I am honest. brutally honest. Things COULD get better. If you let them. All I want to do is help everything get better for you. And be with you, and see you whenever I can. I will be there when your dad beats you. I will be there when you get SO fucked up that you can't move, or forget to breathe, or choke on your vomit, or in any other way, maim yourself. If you let me be there. I can't help you if you won't let me. So this allll depends on you. If you want help, you need to trust me. I'm not like everyone else. I am me. I'm crazy and abrasive and vulgar. I can be sweet as sugar or a raging bitch. I am intelligent, wise, and hold no special talents other than hoping for the best for everyone but herself. You can take a chance and let me in. Or you can drop this whole stupid thing we have here. Where I give a lot and you give nothing. Not even a freaking phone call.

I just ruined the fact that I had 77 posts...

jben3456: you dont love me the same do you
Ohhh x Bumblebee: Not like you love me.
Ohhh x Bumblebee: But yes. I do love you.
jben3456: no i mean the same as you used to
Ohhh x Bumblebee: No, I don't.
Ohhh x Bumblebee: I caged myself off from that.
Ohhh x Bumblebee: a long long time ago
jben3456: yea thougt so
jben3456: but just wondering
Ohhh x Bumblebee: You don't love me like that.. do you?
Ohhh x Bumblebee: It isn't possible.
Ohhh x Bumblebee: You loved Lilly.
Ohhh x Bumblebee: or do love Lilly.
Ohhh x Bumblebee: And I love Joe.
Ohhh x Bumblebee: You know?
jben3456: i am infatuated with lilly
jben3456: love is a bit much
Ohhh x Bumblebee: Oh. : /
jben3456: i know you love joe though
jben3456: i wish i could find love again
Ohhh x Bumblebee: You just haven't met her yet.
Ohhh x Bumblebee: I got lucky with Joe.
Ohhh x Bumblebee: But he doesn't love me anymore
Ohhh x Bumblebee: That sucks.
Ohhh x Bumblebee: We still have sex, though.
Ohhh x Bumblebee: I cheated on my last two boyfriends with him.
jben3456: mabby you wherent his girl
Ohhh x Bumblebee: I was his girl. I mean..
Ohhh x Bumblebee: he loves me.
Ohhh x Bumblebee: just not like he used to.
Ohhh x Bumblebee: you know?
Ohhh x Bumblebee: And then..
Ohhh x Bumblebee: He met Juliana.
Ohhh x Bumblebee: and.. he really likes her.
Ohhh x Bumblebee: but he cheats on her with me.
jben3456: i already hate the kid
Ohhh x Bumblebee: And.. he slept over on Sunday
jben3456: wow
Ohhh x Bumblebee: orr
Ohhh x Bumblebee: Saturday
Ohhh x Bumblebee: and he like..
Ohhh x Bumblebee: confessed all these things
Ohhh x Bumblebee: like.. that he doesn't feel good with her like he does with me
Ohhh x Bumblebee: and stuff.
Ohhh x Bumblebee: and it got my hopes up.
Ohhh x Bumblebee: I cried when he fell asleep.
Ohhh x Bumblebee: : /
jben3456: dont go geting your self hurt
Ohhh x Bumblebee: I will ALWAYS be hurt by Joe
jben3456: again
Ohhh x Bumblebee: and I will ALWAYS allow it.
Ohhh x Bumblebee: just because
Ohhh x Bumblebee: inbetween the hurt
Ohhh x Bumblebee: I get to be with him
Ohhh x Bumblebee: for one millisecond.
Ohhh x Bumblebee: and that millisecond
Ohhh x Bumblebee: is worth the ten thousand hurts
jben3456: you see thats what i want
jben3456: a girl capible of puting up with every thing just because she loves me
jben3456: except my goal is to not hurt her
Ohhh x Bumblebee: You fucked that up once.
Ohhh x Bumblebee: I felt that way about you.
Ohhh x Bumblebee: Once upon a time.
jben3456: well i hope joe dosnt fuck it up and his cheating as
jben3456: ass*
Ohhh x Bumblebee: I cheat with him
Ohhh x Bumblebee: He cheats with me.
jben3456: i dont understan how joe dosnt break your heart when he dose all this crap
jben3456: and how you put up with it
Ohhh x Bumblebee: Joe and I aren't dating.
Ohhh x Bumblebee: We haven't been dating since..
Ohhh x Bumblebee: June 11th.
jben3456: i know but he broke up with you
jben3456: and that should of tore you apart
Ohhh x Bumblebee: It did.
Ohhh x Bumblebee: The first second
Ohhh x Bumblebee: and DEFINITELY the third time.
jben3456: but you still want him eh
Ohhh x Bumblebee: Always.
jben3456: that what i want and you cant say you gave that to me
Ohhh x Bumblebee: I stayed with you thourgh MORE that what Joe has put me through.
Ohhh x Bumblebee: and with Joe I was more experienced.
jben3456: still
jben3456: you know it not the same
Ohhh x Bumblebee: I gave you all that I coudl give at my age.
jben3456: i was way less experienced and half the time i didnt know what i did wrong
jben3456: i still cant figure out some thing but i still thik about ot
jben3456: it*
jben3456: i know and im not saying you did any thing wrong
jben3456: i just cant wait to have what you can give, from any one
Ohhh x Bumblebee: I'm sorry, baby.
jben3456: me too
Ohhh x Bumblebee: : /
jben3456: :.(
Ohhh x Bumblebee: I lovessssss you.
Ohhh x Bumblebee: :D
jben3456: you know this is the first time iv felt sad in a long time hehe
Ohhh x Bumblebee: I'm SO SORRY!
jben3456: i have be takeing every thing lighly and not worying about
jben3456: anthig
jben3456: anything
jben3456: its not your
jben3456: falut
jben3456: its mine
jben3456: i cant belive im actuly crying
Ohhh x Bumblebee: Jacob!!!!!
Ohhh x Bumblebee: NO!
jben3456: iv been doing this thing where like every week i go insayn
Ohhh x Bumblebee: ?
jben3456: and i like try and reales all the stress and shit but
jben3456: i dont think it works
jben3456: and now im crying
jben3456: i havent cryed for 6 months
Ohhh x Bumblebee: You have to show emotions allll the time
Ohhh x Bumblebee: or your basically fucked.
jben3456: well for some odd reason iv begon to believ that nothing i seriuse and every thing is cool even when its not
jben3456: blaine i love you and
jben3456: right now thats all i care about
jben3456: dont ask me why
jben3456: its just comferting
Ohhh x Bumblebee: I love you too, Jacob Thomas Bennington.
jben3456: i allways remember that
jben3456: hehe


Nothing is moving me the way the words of these songs do.
Give me some direction for myself.
I am listening.

I missed you yesterday. You silly reminder, you.
Circa Survive always gets me that way.
I once had stop shedding tears for you.
They're all coming back now.
I'm getting re-attached.
I think I know better this time.
I'm sure you're not here for good.
But, my darling, I will be waiting for that.
And I will keep missing you until that day, promise.

This is a plane crash.
This is two cars colliding.
Crash & Burn, baby.
Here we are.
It's the beginning.
We're hanging on by a thread.
Isn't that sad?
We're barely even into this.
We're already fading away.
I knew this wouldn't last.
I knew we wouldn't last.
I really like you, though.
Every time I fee l like were slipping.
This weird part of me wants us to stay.
Right here, right where we are.
Stationary. Immovable. Immobile.
I don't love you, but there is potential.

Everything has been clouding my mind lately.
But, I can't seem to get things off my chest.
Or place the right words together.
In a sentence to show how I feel.
To convey anything but silence.
That is what bothers me.
So, I will sit here.

Face it.
This is a mistake.

Monday, December 15, 2008

All Eyes Are On Me Now

You're out of my mind, out of my mind.

I was walking with a ghost.
I said, "Please, please don't insist."

I want to visit Cam'ron.
He manages to put this HUGE smile across my face whenever I see him.
Even if it has only been via webcam.
I miss him.

[webCAM! Hahaha xD]

Sunday, December 14, 2008


Give me your heart.
I'll put it in an immortal case.
It will never go to waste.
I'll keep it for always.

It's funny thinking about it now.
How I give Joe a name in these things.. these posts..
But I can't bring myself to divulge who you are.
I won't ever feel comfortable with you like I do with him.
But I'll waste my efforts trying anyway.
I'm not sure if I like you or the idea of you.
You aren't the same you in public.
I feel like if you and I spent time together...
Like we did in the movies that day...
I would fall for you.

That day in the movies..
Had me feeling better than I had in a long time.

Joe spent the night.
He's wasting his time on me again.
We kissed. [He kissed me, first.]
We held hands. [He reached for my hand, first.]
We embraced. [He wrapped his arms around me, first.]
We cuddled. [He laid against me, first.]
We fucked. [Well, that was me.. mostly. xD]
Four times. [Each time brought an INCREDIBLE orgasm.]

I love him.
Always will.

Thursday, December 11, 2008


You'd think that at this time of day, things would be good.
They would be lucky.
My beat.

Fuck today, though.
Just fuck it in the ass.

Fuck having to remember 12/11/08.

You have 0 unread messages




I'm waiting.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

The truth is...

-I can't trust you any longer.
-I put my faith in the wrong place.
-I'm not sure how I feel about you anymore.

Sucks to be you, I guess.

The funny thing about all of this is..
I'm not the one that's gonna get hurt this time.
You are.

[About Male 2]


Male One:
Stop drifting in and out of my life.
Please come here and stay with me.
There are somethings you said that I can't get out of my brain.
Male One:"I consider them friend-kisses, just so I don't feel bad about cheating."
Me: "I like you. And I missed you so so so so much."
Male One:" I like you too, and I missed you a lot."
Me: "I know you like me, it's preeeeeetty obvious."
Male One: "Name three signs."
Me: "You came here from 45 minutes away to see me. You kissed ME first when you got here. You just told me that you like me."
Male One: "Okay, I know I like you, but I seriously didn't think you'd come up with three things."
[insert glorious Male One kissies here.]

I'll always love you.

I didn't think you were telling the truth about making time for me and such.
I didn't think you were telling me the truth about missing me.
I didn't think that you wanted to be near me for any other reason than a good fuck.
[& MAN, WAS IT GOOD. It always has been.]

I loved seeing your smiling face next to me.
I loved the kisses you gave me.
I loved holding your hand, cuddling and watching a movie.
I loved when you told me you like me and that you missed me.
Beautiful boy, I love you. Uhg.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

I love

my girlfriend.

We have amazing times.
We're the best bestfriends that anyone could ever be.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

The whispers...

It’s so unclear. I hear them talking, but can’t make out the words. Speak up. Speak clear.

A blur of sounds. They collide.
Or perhaps, they collapse.
That's your choice.
Optimism or pessimism?

I don't feel as if I am a person anymore. As if I am me.
This situation slightly resembling, what would be considered, an "out-of-body" experience.

Today, I am refreshed.
I have been down for two days.
Two whole days.
Non-stop tears.
Non-stop depression.
Non-stop missing you.
I guess I'm kinda lame.
I even called you crying.
I didn't mean to.
I wanted you to care.
I haven't felt like anyone does.
I was hoping...
Wishing with all of my heart...
That, maybe, just maybe...
You'd show me something?
I know you want to see me.
I know you love me.
I know you.
What I don't' know is..
Why you can't show me.
But, I guess the fact that I know is good enough?


I still can't believe that you blew me off today, and yesterday, and last weekend.
Maybe you're afraid of your parents?
Maybe you're too busy getting fucked up to worry about anything else?
Maybe you don't actually want to see me?
Maybe you're just stringing me along like every other boy.
Maybe I really really don't want you to be every other boy.
Show me something, kid.

I love to read your texts.
"Baby, I love you."
It never fails to make my heart skip a beat.
"I miss you."
It never fails to put a smile on my face.


Friday, December 5, 2008

You've yoinked it away. :)

My little ounce of happy for the day.
Yeah, baby. You stole that right out from under me.

I'm ohkay with being second in your life.
Hell, I'm ohkay with being third or last.
As long as I am something.

Lately, I've been asking myself:
"Do you even want to see me?"
Too terrified to ask you, considering you might get offended.
Considering you probably would get offended.
Yeah. You'd be offended.
It's a good thing that I know that much about you.

Not everything is a contest. If I'm not ohkay you ask what's wrong.
You do not tell me how you're just as shitty.
Take care of me for like three seconds.

It all started last night...
Joe called.
Joe: "Blainey, can I come hang out with you?"
Me: "Joe, why do you only call when you want some ass, or need pot, or I don't know. You barely even fucking talk to me anymore."
Joe: "Never mind. You've got school tomorrow.. right? I just wanted to hang out with you."
Me: "Uhg. whatever I'm going back to sleep."

-Five minutes later, I feel horrible for snapping at him. I call back because all I can think about is how amazing it would feel to lay next to him for like an hour or, goodness gracious, until morning.-

Me: "I lied, please come back. I just want to see you."
Joe: "Blainey, I can't now, I'm headed the other direction on Mussetter."
Me: "Please just fucking come back, Joe, you never have time for me, and you finally do."
Joe: "Blainey, I'm going to be free next time you are free. I will come see you, I promise."

..I realize that no matter what, if he asked me to jump, I'd say, "How fucking high do you need my jump to be? One leg or two? Distance hop or in-place?" How fucking sad is that?

I'm still WAITING.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Anticipation ran through my bones...

and my clothes never fit right.

I can't wait 'til we meet again.
First comes heavy breathing.
Staring at the ceiling.
What will happen next?
I don't wanna know.



You've stopped calling like you used to. You used to call every morning. I loved it. I'd wake up and think about you all day. My days weren't bad then. I'm not sure how I feel about that. It means were drifting apart. That bothers me. More than I thought it might. Truth is, I love talking to you on the phone, and through texts, and in person. I love being near you, and trusting you. That is a big thing. Me trusting you, I mean. A big, big, huge, ginormous thing. But, I know you're gonna fuck me over. I'm trying not to let you get in too close, but your gaining strides on my tiny footsteps.

Sing at me, scream at me.
I want to hear your voice.

Sunday, November 30, 2008

There are only a few things that I do not like about you.
But they are big things.

I hate that you can't make a fucking plan to see me.
Even though, you "want to see me so badly."
I hate that you are one tiny little inch shorter than me.
Even though, it really shouldn't matter.
I hate that you think love me because we fit.
Even though, it makes me feel good to be wanted.
I hate that I only see you once a week.
Even though, I've only seen you twice.
I hate that you make more time for drugs than me.
But I'll suck it up, just to make sure that you are okay.


I'll say yes.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Take the pills to ease the pain.

You, my darling dear, live for today and not tomorrow satisfaction.

You love me? Show it.

You hurt me pretty fucking badly. I'm going to let this slide.

What can I say? I'm a pushover.


This is the first guy i've been around who actually treats me well. Like.. nothing stupid I do or say means anything to him. he treats me like he's just really happy that I exist. Who could ever be that dumb? Who the FUCK would want to waste their time missing me, or hoping that they get to see me soon, or cuddling a pillow pretending that it is me? I don't think that I will ever understand this boy. But to be entirely honest, I'm glad. Knowing every next move about a person is boring.

My grandpa is see-through. We get in the car to go to Thanksgiving lunch:

Mom: Why'd you change?
Me: Oh, I didn't want grandpa to comment about me packing on the pounds like he did to Kristin. I don't want to be the lucky one this year!
Dad: He's part of the Retard's Anonymous Club.
Me: Haha. I'm sure he'll say something to someone.

The desert portion of lunch rolls around:

Grandpa: Hey there, Johnny. Are you gaining a bit a weight there, son?
Uncle Johnny: [Obviously embarrassed] Haha, no, dad. I'm the same weight.. it's just not muscle anymore.

Who called it? Me. Smooth save from Uncle Johnny, though.
I don't like people that you can read. It's no fun.


Here's what happened: He worried about me so much that he was willing to freaking leave his party and come get me. I was too scared that he would see how much of a fuck-up I am, and too worried that I would be the cause of his fun going down the drain. He got mad at me because I wouldn't let him come get me. "What the fuck, BLAINE. Where are you, I'm already on my way." Hastily, not thinking, I type, "Too bad." He is mad now. I messed up. I'm not sure what I did, but I know that it was my fault. "Alright. Fine. Ttyl." I texted back many many times, apologizing; begging for him not to be mad at me. "I fucked up before you did. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." Seven of them. The only number that calms me. No reply. I make them take me home. I am not only physically ill, but I am emotionally stunted. I call the second I get home. Hoping, praying, wishing with all of my might that this stupid boy would pick up the phone. Simple ringing on the other end. "Hello..? Hello..? Leave a message." False hope. I call once more when I awake at 12:01. At this point. I am extremely sick and only hoping that he is ohkay. I stopped being worried about me. All I cared about was making sure that he was ohkay. I think we spoke. I can't remember. I don't remember much.

8:30 AM: Phones rings. He is calling. I awaken. We talk until 9:32. He hangs up, "SHIT. I have to call you back." -click-. 10:58. We had spoken between this time and 9:32. His dad threw him head-first into a wall. He is bleeding from his head. As he tells me this, I hold back tears because I am in the kitchen and my mother is right there. He feels a bit better. We hang up. I call back. He has taken pills. He is not himself. He doesn't know what he took. Getting fucked up is his way of coping. I get upset. I am worried about him. This part sucks because if he doesn't worry about himself.. how can I? My idea: I'll worry enough for the both of us. I hang up on him. He apparently hates when people hang up on him. With good reason. He sends me these terrible texts. Ones that really really hurt me. I cry. I am incredibly upset now. I avoid talking to him. I got to lunch with my family. I come home. No calls. I am not good. Facebook messages from him. Two of them:

Kurt Dåmåre
Today at 12:22pm
I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
Thats why I need you to hear

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is You

I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you

[Those lyrics really fit this situation. I believe him.]


Kurt Dåmåre
Today at 12:25pm
call me if you wanna talk to my dumb ass

Two bumper stickers:

One tells me he is thankful for me this thanksgiving.
One that tells me that "RAWR" in Dinosaur means "I love you."

I forget that I am hurt.
I make up an excuse, any excuse to talk to him.

Things are okay now.

"Me: I am severely emotionally attached to you.
Him: Really
Me: Yes.
Him: I'm in love with you i think we should take the next step"
Just wait until you see how I did this:
"Me: Boo. If you are in ANY WAY intoxicated right now. I do not want to have this conversation."

Sunday, November 23, 2008

One: I will give you the best kiss I will ever give a girl.
Me: Therefore, making me the happiest girl in the world. ^_^

I wasn't lying.

Last night confused the shit out of me. I was SO FUCKING SCARED. I don't think I've ever worried that much about anyone in my life. Not even that time that Joe never called me back after he was in Baltimore. That night, I remember being so fucking scared that I left about 487240867204687 voice mails on his machine. This time, though... I called his friend, I messaged his sister, I called and called and called. I was prepared to drive to him and make sure he was ohkay.

I didn't even know that I cared that much. This made me fucking cry. How lame is that? I CRIED because I thought that this guy, that I have only hung out with once and have barely talked to in comparison to other boys, wasn't ohkay. I feel harder than usual this time. I'm not sure what to do.

I am, however, really glad that he likes me as much as I like him. I hope his finger is ohkay. I made him snap it back into place this morning. I could HEAR the bone crack. I was so scared. All that kept running through my mind was, "what if he's already gone," "what if I didn't save him and I could have?" "What in the world will I do without him." I prayed. I don't believe in God and I prayed. Hoping that maybe if I did, he would be ohkay. He was. I don't know whether I had anything to do with it... or if he just ended up being completely fine. But.. I'm fucking glad he is ohkay.
I am glad I finally found someone as fucked up as me.
Thank God, someone who understands me.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Me: I want to be a daisy. :]
One: I want to be your heart.

Who says that? Don't they know that my smile will reach epic proportions?

Me: Baby. You turn my software into hardware. :3
You: You turn my floppy disk into a hard drive ;-)

Who else has a favourite pickup line that is this close to yours?

Friday, November 21, 2008

I have no idea what to do:

One: I miss you, babyy.
Me: Really?
One: Yes, I really do miss you.
Me: Ohkay, so that made me feel alot less retarded for missing you...
One: I really like you, Blaine. Lol
One: Yesss. You are like my other half.

[Reading this made me tear up.]

Two: I miss you!
Two: This separation hurts!
Two: I want to be near you

[You should have seen the smile this gave me.]

And I love Katt.
And I miss Joe.
And I miss Conor.

But you know what I've really missed?
This is a real shocker: Cam'ron.
It's been two years since I've seen him.
I want to visit him in college.
I talk to him damn near everyday.


Me: i shall give you a nickname and it shall forever be yours. Preferences?
One: Lol. Its up to you it was your idea jol
Me: KURBEAR. Similar to KIRBY but much cuter. :] [If you heard me say it.. your cute-o-meter would shit it's pants. It's that cute.]
One: Baby your adorable
Me: I just said the words, "shit it's pants" and so I'm cute? xD
One: Lol whatever :-P
One: Haha. Dont' worry. No one will ever hear it. Just you and me. I have to be feeling awfully cute for nicknames. So... you won't have to hear it often.
One: What if i wanted to :-P
Me: THEN MAYBE. Only On odd numbered days when it's raining in Louisiana. :]

[He even thinks I'm cute when I'm grotesque. Bonus!]

Me: If I sang to you, would you never ever forget the song?
One: Never ever.

[Is it horrible that I believe him with every ounce of my being? He'd remember before I would.]

Thursday, November 20, 2008

I collapse.

I'm picturing you at the bottom of an ocean... and then I woke up.
I think i've made a mess of things, but at least that's something.
We tremble at the heels of all that we fear.

Well you're not brave if you still keep the letters and you're not sane if you don't want to get better and you're not drunk if you can stay in your lane. No.

Well you're not awake but you haven't been sleeping and you hate god but you don't believe in him and you're not scared but you still got you're eyes closed.

The sky explodes, and only you know.

Well it's not fixed if you love it broken and your cell phones at the bottom of the ocean and you're not drunk if you can stay in your lane. No.

Well you're not brave and you're making a lane shift.

You're not lost but you're missing your exit and you're not scared but you still got your eyes closed.

I want you to worry when I don't call you back.
I want you to worry when I don't call you back.
I want you to worry when I don't call you back.
"Lol. Well i want to see you bad. Even if its not for long. I kinda just want to kiss you ."

^^Not only does he have this magical power to put a smile on my face when I don't want one there, butttt, I'm pretty sure he gets me better than I get myself. We've got the same home situation and school stituation. How weird is it that we both have the same Cumulative and regular GPA? Hell, he can even finish my sentences. We work on the same brain-wave.

I dont' really want a relationship. I just can't be alone. This kid is making me want to be with him. Which is weird. The last few guys I've dated, I can honestly say, I felt obligated to be dating them if I was kissing them.. make sense?

REMINDER: I've felt a heart before, and I'm learning what a heart is for. I believe that a heart is made to feel the things that lay infront of it. So I lay before you.

I know, I hold this pain in my heart forever. All eyes are on me now.

What is my issue?!

Monday, November 17, 2008

You're right, I haven't updated in a while.

I probably should.

So here I am.

I had this amazing weekend, finally free of my family. No one to answer to except myself. Well, that was until Conor called. He is angry and confused, and upset over the thing that comes in eight days. The anniversary of his friend's death. he helped me realize I am more selfish than I think I am. I was more worried about the fact he was being mean to me than I was about why he was being that way. I'm kinda of a bitch. Although, I was craving to hear his stupid voice. But it's ohkay, revenge is a bitch. I got drunk and ghooked up with Cate and hung out with his friends. My life is better now. Cate is an awfully good kisser. :]

So there is this new guy. At first, my plan was to just string him along. Maybe make him care about me a bit so I could hurt him. I can't hurt him now. He will hurt me first. I promise that. He is like me. He is everything bad about me, and everything I like about the bad ex's i've had. That is him. He is nice, until he gets annoyed. he screams at his parents for nothing. He has piercings. Some, that I want. he is loyal to his friends, and not so good to his girlfriends. he is a drug addict, and he drinks more than anyone I know. He smokes.. too much. Smoker's cough sounds like he's gonna die. He's like Johnny but better. His voice is just like Joe's. when I hear it, my bones quake. He likes UnderOATH maybe as much as I do. I can't get attached to a guy Iv'e never physically met. Although, maybe that's the best kind of guy. One that you're not just physically attracted to. I've had bad luck with those tough.
But, wait! I dont' want top hurt Leah. She's not my friend and her life and my life don't really coinside, but you don't touch another girls ex. It's kinda like the rules. Well, maybe I deserve to be happy for a little while this time?Unfortunately, he likes me. That's the worst part. That officially means he's bad news.

I spent time with my brother last night. He actually enjoys my company, can you believe that? Who the hell would want to spend time with a fuck-up like me? Rudy doesn't want me to move out or go away because he, too, hates this place we have to call home. He is a really good kid. I hope he doesn't end up like me because that's what he grew up around. He gets me better than they do.

Don't you hate when you can hear your mother talking shit about you to the rest of your family? Always just loud enough for you to hear, always just quiet enough so that you have to listen closely. Terrible.

Don't you hate when music tells you exactly how you feel? It's almost like it can convince you of anything because the beat is so rhythmic, because the thoughts in your mind are already jumbled. Horrible.

Control yourself. Take only what you need from it.
The water is warm, but it is sendin' me shivers.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Oh yeah. We broke up.

I forgot to post that.
It's beeeeeeen... two days or something?

Joe spent the night last night.
I missed him.
Maybe he'll be my rebound guy?

I still like Conor, though.
I know that that is dumb, but whatever.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

I feel like the longer we're apart, the closer to breaking up we're gonna get.

Just call me, please?

Saturday, November 8, 2008

This is all I have to say:

We're not there, but we're close, boobear.

Yes, let me tell you. It hurts.
Please don't hurt me... please?

I didn't even think I cared this much.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

I'm not ohkay.

And for the record:
You have every reason to cheat on me.
You'd almost be stupid if you didn't.
I wouldn't blame you, I know I'm not much.
That's my reasoning for why you might be cheating on me.
Don't take offense.
It's not specifically about you.
It's how I feel about everyone I've ever liked, dated or cared about.

Joe made my paranoia worse because I loved him.
So you can blame him.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Apathy is my best friend.
Read my lips, "threelittlewords."
Good thing I don't care enough.
To show you or tell you how I feel.
Maybe I'm just scared you'll reject me too.

Does it matter?

Ohhh x Bumblebee: I'm ohkay with getting the best of both worlds.
Ohhh x Bumblebee: I'm going to be a greedy little bitch for once in my life.
Ohhh x Bumblebee: I want something good for myself... and here it is.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

I've been thinking...

It makes me sad to know that the one guy that makes me happier than life has been down for the last couple of days. I hate that. I wish I could cheer him up, but I'm not good at that, so I'm trying to back off. At first I was really paranoid that he just didn't want to be around me and that he'd stopped liking me and as sad as it sounds, I thought that he was even planning on breaking up with me because he took his stupid purple hoodie back. Maybe he actually needed it back. that's what he told me, so that's what I'll believe. Because I believe everything he says to me. Because I know that if he wanted to manipulate me, I'd fucking let him. Because I trust him to do that right thing, and if he thinks manipulating me is right, then it prolly is. But anyway. Back to the positives.
I have been talking to one of his best friends, Tim. That kid makes me feel fucking amazing. he's incredibly sweet, kind and he's ridiculously smart to-boot. I trust what comes out of this boy's mouth. He's pretty sincere with what he says. I've been so down lately, I haven't been wanting to put it on anyone, especially not Conor. But Tim makes me feel like I can talk to him no matter what, and now it's pretty much vice versa too, Tim talks to me about a lot. I'm sure Conor hates that I talk to his friends, but I need to have someone I can talk to, and I hope he realizes how fucking amazing his friends are, and that I'm incredibly fucking jealous. Katt knows this. Anyway, Tim has basically been picking up my mood, boosting my self esteem, and making me feel better and less paranoid about Conor and I.
I know it's stupid to think that Conor will cheat on me, but it's all I know. All I know is being cheated on or tossed around, or pulled by my pony tails like a fucking rag-doll. So having something new like this confuses me. It sucks that every time he hangs out with his female friends, I get to wonder if he's fucking them behind my back, or worse, kissing them. Those kisses are mine. Kissing means passion. It means love, heart, hope, togetherness. His lips are for my mouth. I don't care what he does with his penis or whatever, because fucking is fucking. It's just a fuck. But when you kiss someone WHILE you're fucking them.. That means there are feelings. I'm so stupid, and paranoid, and scared.
I know that it's really dumb to think that I am not worth having someone hold a door open for me, or buy me dinner every once in a while, or even take out to dinner, but it is all I know. I have not been on a real date in my entire life. I've dated and dated and dated, but never been on a date. I guess I just always assumed that no one should have to waste their energy or money on me by taking me out. I just thought it was normal to have boyfriends that didn't take their girlfriends on dates. Tim told me it wasn't. That made me really upset, and made my self-worth drop immensely.
Here's another thing, I could always go to the shows that Conor goes to with his friends. I could go to the show, and always have a place to stay. I choose not to go. Or Conor doesn't invite me. Sometimes I wish his friends didn't intimidate me so much. Sometimes, I wish I wasn't exactly like my mother; paranoid about everything, scared of failure. Sometimes, I wish I could be aggressive, and no so fucking passive with everyone all the damn time. That's the only reason that I like this season. I get bitchy, and aggressive for once in my life, and I take initiative to not let people walk all over me, like they normally do. That's how I lose friends, though. No one wants to be around the Blaine that isn't a push-over.
It's dumb to know that I over think such an incredible amount, that I actually convince myself of things that have never happened, and I convince myself of things that will happen, even if it's impossible, or highly unlikely. I guess I like to mind-fuck myself. It's really cool, actually. It helps me be even more of a fucked up human being than usual. :)


I'm addicted to the fact that drugs alter my personality.
I become gentle and sweet when I am on drugs.
That's how I wish I was alllllll the time.
Maybe then I'd have something to rely on.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Halloween & Conor:

I was a Bumblebee.

I blew off my friends to see my boyfriend.
My boyfriend said about nine words to me the whole night.
I blew him off and hang out with Gerry, a LOT.
Gerry left us stranded at my house.

Conor spent the night.
We fooled around.
Surprise, surprise.
Could have had sex, but didn't.

Woke up at 1:31 AM - Period.

Woke up in the morning.
Fooled around.
Surprise, surprise.
My mood dropped, didn't finish him.

I always feel bad about that.
My ADD makes me not finish him.
I get distracted really easily.
I really am sorry.
I know guys hate to be teased.
I don't mean to.

I basically loathe myself.
I don't feel like anything i'm doing is making Conor happy.
But, I'm trying hard as fuck anyway.

Please don't break up with me. I'm begging.

Joe even wants to talk to me. He calls more than Conor does these days. It's like Joe never wants me to get over him. Well guess what, I am over you, Joe Benny. I miss your personality, but I do not miss it enough to be treated like you used to treat me, alllll over again. I couldn't do it even if I wanted to, but I don't. I want to be with Conor Bouton. If he'll still have me...

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Yep. We're goin' down.

I knew it.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

My emotions are askew.

I want to get fucked up.

That's about it, blogger.

OH! One more thing! I lied, sorry!

I get to see Conor tomorrow too. :)


Joe's eighteenth birthday is today! I called him at 11:57 and made him talk to me until 12:01. I got to say it first. I miss him a lot. I mean he was my best friend, losing him even as that sucks, blogger. A lot. Although, he fucks with my emotions.
Maybe it's better he's an adult now?
Maybe he'll forget about me entirely? :)


I just dropped back down to depressed.
I've been trying to be nice today.
It kinda worked. D:
I just don't want him to leave me.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

I like my boyfriend alot.

I'm babysitting, again.

These kids are whack Arnolds'.

Monday, October 27, 2008

I feel better today.

I've been fucking up.

I'm tryingt o fix myself.

I promise, blogger.

You'll see.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

I love love love love love being a fuck-up, dude.
It's my favourite ever.

[Other than Conor, of course.]

By the way:

I realized that I am too stupid to get my shit straight.

I realized that I am basically only happy when I do drugs.

I realized that I am slowly slipping into the ninth grade Blaine.

I realized that it wasn't his fault.


Thor: heyy
Me: Hai.
Me: hao r u
Me: My power has been out for the last 3 and a half hours.
Thor: wow
Thor: im sorry
Thor: how else have you been
Thor: how was your weekend
Me: I have been having to listen to my fucking family cuss eachother out
Me: all fucking night
Me: AND I'm depressed as fuck.
Me: oh, and Conor prolly hates me, to-boot.
Thor: :[
Me: Just.. genuinely depressed.
Me: My mood sucks.
Me: all the fucking time.
Thor: mmm
Me: I haven't felt HAPPY in weeks.
Me: && I've been basically horrible to Conor whenever I feel like it because I'm a stupid cunt and can't control my emotions for shit.
Me: He's good to me no matter what. God damn it.
Me: I haven't felt anything other than depressed or angry in weeks.
Thor: its not totally uncommon to feel those emotions
Thor: so how was the rest of Saturday
Me: Conor and I did nothing.
Me: When I was with him I felt fucking amazing, like it was the best way in the world to spend my birthday, and he wanted so badly to make me happy, and while I was there, with him, I was.
Me: But then I got home and I realized that it was a lame way to spend my birthday because it was like ANY OTHER DAY.
Me: That doesn't change anything, though. My birthday, I mean.
Me: I've never had a good one anyway. So in comparison, this one fucking ruled.
Me: Even if it wasn't more exciting than any other day. hell, people even fucking REMEMBERED this year.
Thor: werdd
Thor: im sorry your birthday weekend went so lamely
Me: I wasn't excited that it was my birthday
Me: I wasn't happy getting gifts
Me: or birthday wishes
Me: nothing mattered to me.
Me: AT ALL. I had complete apathy.
Thor: i'm sry
Me: I feel like an uber bitch
Thor: s'all good
Thor: everybody has their days and or weeeks
Thor: so when are we ever going to hang out again and or see each other


Me: OH YEAH. Not only do I have anger and depression, but I also am filled with paranoia and apathy and ALL I WANT TO DO IS DRUGS.
Thor: that's normal for me
Thor: paranoia and alienated self loathing is what i constantly feel
Me: I feel like you.
Thor: its nice isn't it?
Thor: taking retreat and finding solace in a ball of self hatred
Me: I don't understand this.
Me: Everything has been going pretty damn good.
Me: but I don't FEEL good.
Thor: werd
Thor: i g2g
Me: Kayz.
Me: Thanks for listening. :c

I settled on this for English:


It seems as though, these sad songs just keep playing.
Drawing me back to a place that I am all too familiar with.
Caressing my inner depression.
Teasing my insecurities.
Destroying any hope of an opening,
That I can squeeze myself free through.
I am too fragile to make it out alive.

I cannot bend, budge, or move to your will.
I cannot send the stress to sunsets, and forget.
I ca not smother the feeling something is altered.
That something has changed.
I am not me. I think the music is winning.

It seems as though, these sad songs just keep playing.
Shattering me like a mirror,
One thousand shards or more to tidy.
Cutting myself trying to pick them up,
With bare hands and sensitive flesh.
They heal over, yet the scars remain.
I am too fragile to make it out alive.

I cannot see the forest for the trees.
I cannot read between the lines, or sing the right notes.
Here I am, now, singing along.
Feeling every emotion the words entail.
I am not me. I think the music is winning.

It seems as though, these sad songs just keep playing.
Drawing me deeper with each new beat.
Letting me down with each sorrowful lyric.
Caressing my ear drums.
Teasing my emotions.
Destroying any sound that might provoke me
To be anything but how I am right now.

The music has definitely won.
I am too fragile to make it out alive."

My birthday is officially over.
It.. went well.

I wish I wasn't so fucking stupid, though.

Friday, October 24, 2008

You don't look like him to me.
Maybe you've manifested yourself into my world.
Maybe I just wish he was you.
Who the fuck knows what I feel, anymore?
Certainly not me, that's for sure.

You, my darling boy, are my Ryan.

We had to write a poem about ourselves in English.
Mine was too depressing to hand-in.
I would surely be sent to the guidance office.
Where they would call my parents.
I'd go back to therapy.

That's where I belong, though.
I'd be happy going there.
Unlike all the other kids.
I want to be happy, I strive for it.

But these sad songs just keep playing.
Drawing me back to a place I'm all too familiar with.
Caressing my inner depression.
Teasing my insecurities.
Destroying any hope of an opening,
That I can squeeze myself free through.
I think the music is winning.


Here are two things that made me think of him while I was reading during my babysitting extravaganza:

"Sage stepped up on her tiptoes and pressed her lips to his for a long crushing kiss that made Brandon wonder why he was wasting any time thinking about his inner dorkdom, being upstaged by Heath Ferro, or anything other than the beautiful girl in front of him."

Mine would sound more like this:

"He leaned down an kissed her, making sure to catch her just as she sheepishly smiled looking into his brown eyes. This kiss, making her wonder why she was worried about all the other girls, why she gets flustered with him when he can't be around or anything other than the perfect, loving guy, in front of her."

He makes me feel that way with every kiss. Every single one. No complaints.

"Nothing he had ever said had felt so cruel- not even that time she wore a pink Vera Wang bubble dress to the Spring Fling and he told her that she looked like a pink frosted cupcake. He hadn't meant to be cruel then- it was just a clueless guy kind of thing to say. He'd spent the rest of the night trying to convince her that he loved cupcakes."

Mine would sound like this:

"Nothing he had ever said had felt so cruel- not even those times he'd made fun of her before. They appeared so minuscule she couldn't remember any occasions for comparison- it was just a clueless guy kind of thing to say. He'd spent the rest of the night trying to convince her that she wasn't fat, and he didn't mean it that way."

That's the kind of guy he is. Innocent, and unaware. It wouldn't have effected me if it didn't come from him, and if he didn't say something that toyed with my insecurities. He tried to make it better. I should have just let him.

I'm too fragile. I'll never make it out.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Autumn's Offering:

With Autumn...
Comes my depression.
Comes the cold.
Comes my mood swings.
Comes loss of friends.
Comes the end of marking period one.
Worst of all, with Autumn comes my birthday.

My birthday is the most loathed holiday in a years time. JUST beating Christmas. My birthday has never been a celebration. I can't remember one good thing about ANY of my birthdays. I've had seventeen of them by Saturday. Zero out of seventeen. What an unscathed record. I even cancelled my birthday dinner this year in fear of it being just like all of the other birthdays.

Reasons for cancelling my birthday dinner:
-No one should ever have to pay for my ANYTHING.
-No one should ahve to rearrange their schedule for me.
-I am an inconvenience.
-No one wanted to come other than Katt, Fire, Tessa, and Thor.
-My boyfriend would rather spend time with his friends.
-I am genuinely depressed, and have no motivation for anything.
-I am too emotional for my own good.
-I wanted Katt to maybe see Evan Friday night so that she'd make him smile.
-No one has a way there, anyway.
-Blake doesn't even want to be around me.

Am I really turning into Alex?

Read my fears:
-Being fat. [He didn't mean to, but called me fat. I freaked out. That's a big fear of mine.]
-Being too ________. [He didn't mean it in a bad way, but he said that I kiss him alot more than his crazy ex. I don't want to be his crazy girlfriend. Fuck.] I dont' want to be too much of ANYTHING.
-Turning into Alex. [Blake told me I was turning into Alex. I wanted to cry on the spot.]
-Crying too much. [I'm an emotional wreck.]
-Fucking shit up with Conor. [I will. I know it. I'm waiting for it.]
-I'm terrified I'll be alone. Horrified; scared shitless.

Is it pathetic that I am legitimately crying right now?


-I haven't had a bad day.
-I am getting paid to babysit kids that are asleep right now.
-I've got it easy.

Not Pathetic:
- I miss Conor.
- I feel like my friends are drifting from me.
- I'm insecure as fuck right now.
- I feel alone.
- Autumn makes me depressed.
- I hate my birthday.
- My mom hates me more than usual.
- I'm a terrible daughter and student.
- I only want to get fucked up right now.
- Getting fucked up makes me happy.



Let me tell you about Conor.

I like him, alot.
I like when he puts his glasses on and looks like a MAJOR indie kid.
I like the way he looks at me like I matter to him, like I mean something.
I like when his hair is allll messed up, because he still looks adorable.
I like when he kisses my cheek, I like it more than when he kisses my mouth.
I like when he says stupid things that don't make any sense because he's tired and won't admit it.
I like that he tells me he misses me, since when do people miss me?
I like that he seems to care about me like I care about him. I'm not used to that.
I like when he wears his yellow T-shirt with the heart being filled because it looks good on him.
I like when he wants to hold my hand in front of people, since when are people not ashamed of me?
I like the fact that no matter how bitchy I am, he's sweet to me.
I like that he thinks me being delirious when I wake up is cute.
I like that I feel safe wearing my heart on my sleeve in front of him.
I like that after we kiss he gets this adorable smirk on his face that he always tries to hide.
I like that he actually wants me to hang out with him and his friends.
I like that he constantly make me feel like I'm worth something.
I like when he wears his silly scarves simply because he loves them, not because he's trying to be cool.
I like that he's uncomfortable with the AEHS girls always wanting to fuck him.
I like that he keeps texting me even when I know I'm annoying him.
I like that his heart is always in the right place.
I like that he's not worried too much about impressing people.

I dislike when he's with his friends and he's more immature than usual.
Maturity means growth.
I dislike when he wants to put his finger in my nose.
I dislike how he is entirely vulgar with me, even thought that means he's comfortable.
I try hard as fuck to keep him liking me. It's like he doesn't care if I stay or go. He doesn't want to impress me anymore.
I dislike how he blows off talking to me when he's with his "other" group of friends or how he forgets to call me when he gets home from being with them, even when I say, "Please don't forget about me."
"I never do" is a lie. They pretty much only get him into bad situations, anyway.
I dislike how he doesn't have time to talk to me on the phone anymore, or how he calls too late, and gets sleepy.
He used to always have time. Maybe now that he has me, he doesn't feel like he has to try anymore.
I dislike how he says things without thinking, because even when he's kidding.. I take it seriously.
I'm insecure and sensitive. I hid my face in your shit when you accidentally called me fat because I was tearing up. That's what Alex does to me. Everything he says eats away at me.
I dislike how he doesn't talk to me when he's not okay.
If he can't open up, why the fuck should I? Maybe I'll go back to talking to Joe when I'm not okay.

I don't dislike much. Most of those things are small anyway. I'm scared, though. All small things get bigger, and grow. They don't just go away. I don't want to lose him. Maybe I'm just being stupid. However, it's ohkay because I don't have the balls to say any of this to his face. Nothing can possibly change if he never knows how I feel, right? Good. Let's keep it that way. I'm fucking ridiculously happy with him. DO NOT MISINTERPRET. Everyone dislikes things about someone else, no matter who they are. The good outweighs the bad, anyway.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

I'm feeling anti-social, but good.

I'm having a good hair day.
&& My outfit looks cute.

Katt really should keep the 'stache.
She's gorgeous even when she's supposed to look dumb.
I love her. <3

I'm listening to Ja Rule.
It's not really my style, but it's making me feel really good.

I ate some Pringles.
They tasted like sexual pleasure.


I'm talking to Conor.
I'm seeing him today!
I miss him SO MUCH.
He always makes me feel good.

I'm dancing.

My birthday is Saturday!

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

I broke my own damn heart.


I hate you, sir.
I hate everything you are.
I hate how you make me feel.
I hate you with my entire soul.

Monday, October 20, 2008

I like my life today.
I think it's because I'm doing drugs again.
God, I had forgotten how happy that used to make me.

Also, my hair fits into a pony tail now.
Everything except the back.
I think this means I'm growing up.

My nails are growing out.
I don't bite them as much anymore.
Only when I'm stressed.

I've got a pretty rad boyfriend.
I'm falling for him pretty hard.
I think I'm slipping, actually.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Paint your face up something elogant...

...or make yourself into part of a tribe. BAHAHAHA

Today ruled. It was fun as shit. Even though it should have been gross as fuck.

I really fucking like my boyfriend. Kay? Thanks.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

All is good in the hood.
All is good wiff Conor.
All is good wiff escuela.
All is good wiff frannds.
All is well...

...not in the home.
But errywhere else. : )

That was not even 10 hours ago.

"Oh and I'm feeling directionless. Yes, but that's to be expected, and I know that best."
That's me now. Directionless. I do know that best.

It's funny...
I thought maybe she didn't hate me anymore.

What a silly joke I made...

You know what I need? A cigarette.
Never craved one until now.

I see why he's hurting himself.
I will be just like him one day. : )

One foot in front of the other, girl.
That's all you have to do.

It's hard to focus, when you're not ohkay.
It's hard to be ohkay, when God hates you.

I want Conor to be here so that I can walk around Poolesville with him.
Then, maybe, I'd be ohkay for thirteen seconds.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

You.. again?

I'm wayyyy too happy about this phone call I just got.

God fuck this.
I hate that you still make me smile, bastard.

Go find your girlfriend.

It made me cry knowing that you are hurting yourself.
It made me cry knowing that you're not you anymore.

It did not make me miss you.
It did not make me regret.

It really made me love him more.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Questions to consider:

--So I guess we're falling apart? Two oposite directions, one destination. Maybe we're just having a rough week, or a rough few days. Alex says that it's normal to be confused at about one month, but what does he know? He's never been in any type of a real relationship before. I've been in plenty. I just can't seem to remember how I felt.
--&& That's how i've been feeling. Clouded. Distant. Confused. My appetite has been smaller than usual. My mind has been far from here. I simply can't help but be scared.
--That's the word that seems to fit me as of late.
Scared of trusting.
Scared of loving.
Scared of falling.
Scared of feeling.
Scared of being happy.
Scared of committing.
He doesn't even know. I'm a wreck.
--Missing him has become my priority. Not good. I am definitely reading too much into this. thinking too much about thses last couple days. We all have our times when we just need space.
Maybe he just needs space?
I'm prolly smothering him. No, not the like the song by The Used.
Maybe I did something wrong?
I haven't been very receptive lately. No, not liket he underOATH song.
Uhg. This is no good.
Maybe he's just as confused as I am?
I doubt it. Boys don't overthink like women do. People don't overthink like I do.
Maybe Gerry is right?
I hope he is.
Maybe I shouldn't just give up?
But that's the easy way.. and you know me, Blogger.
I love the easy way out.
I'm pretty much just a dumb slut. I knew myself all along.
Why can't I just understand? I'm not used to not having someone to go to. I'm used to having Joe around, or Jacob, or Katt.. or anyone. This isn't how it's supposed to be. I'm pushing him away. I won't open up. I'm like a clam protecting it's pearl.
I wish everything was over.
Does that sound too emotional? I do, though. I'm weak. Very, very feeble and weak. Maybe I should just isolate myself? I've recently noticed that ALL of thses posts are full of emotion. I am emotion. I hate that. I've built up this wall where no one can come in. I've built up this wall of apathy. I am not ready to have it be torn down again.
After Joe.. I don't know what I can let in. Lucky me, Conor is a liquid, and can peirce through my crevaces. I'm afraid of letting him in. Yet, it feels so right.
Why can't things just be easy, Blogger?
I'll be waiting for your reply.


I found the Holy Bible on a bench outside the courthouse
And I am scared because I do not think of God, no no
The thoughts that cross my mind
Are neither holy, nor divine
Just simple human longings for the boy who does not believe
He once believed in me

So I walked on and stuffed that heavy new book under my arm
And then I got in my car and drove on home
I thought of words he said
'Bout where we're going once we're dead
But other worries fill my head
It's selfish and I know I'm wrong
But I'll miss him when he's gone

Yeah I still fear the black
But there's no looking back
And if I'm dying, I'm just dying for you, dear
Can't tell which way to go
I doubt we'll ever know
Let's take advantage of the time that we've got here
'Cause time's all we've got here

I made it home, unlocked the door, and tossed that book onto the floor
Where it sat waiting like I'm waiting for the truth, so
I put it in a box under my bed, with all those silly things I've kept
And I will leave it there unread, so I can get back to
Figuring out how I'll get through today and tomorrow

Yeah I still fear the black
But there's no looking back
And if I'm dying, I'm just dying for you, dear
Can't tell which way to go
I doubt we'll ever know
Let's take advantage of the time that we've got here
'Cause time's all we've got here

And if it's just gonna end, what's the point of it all?
Call it quits, cut out early, this is surely your fault
When I fall back to you, I am through, I am through
Oh but I do...I do...

Yeah I still fear the black
But there's no lookin' back
And if I'm dying, I'm just dying for you, dear
Can't tell which way to go
I doubt we'll ever know
Let's take advantage of the time that we've got here
'Cause time's all we've got here

Sunday, October 12, 2008

A Gorgeous Face.

I don't mind the fact that he has me whipped
He prolly doesn't even know it.
He's really really good to me.
In fact... he's fucking amazing.
To be completely honest...
I've never felt this good dating anyone.

It is they, that make me so incredibly uncomfortable.
It is they that put this inane amount of pressure on me.

Think about this part:

Conor goes to a school where there are pretty girls who want to date him all of the time.
Where there are girls who would KILL to have him just for a second.

Now think about this:

I've got THE lowest self esteem, so I get to worry every three seconds about him finding someone prettier or nicer, or more genuine, or just better than me. I know him, and I know that he'd never do that to me. But, I'm scared, because that is ALL I know. I am less than everyone else. That is how it is. Half of these girls can't even tell me his favourite color, or his favourite song.. or even tell me his middle name. Most can't even pronounce his last name correctly. They don't know him as a person, they know him as a face. A Gorgeous Face. a gorgeous face that they want to kiss and touch and hold in their hands. That's my place. They want MY place. They might as well just take it right out from under me.

I am scared. Terrified. Upset.
I am feeble. Stupid. Naive.
I am manipulation at it's finest.
I am trust at it's weakest.


And listen to me, you are GORGEOUS and probably one of the nicest girl I've met. I sincerely mean it when i say the girls at my school don't compare to you, especially in Conor's eyes. The majority of girls at my school would die to get with him but exactly as you said, they know close to nothing about him which is exactly why they wont. Even the girls who are semi friends with him, he's not into them at all because he know he's got a great girl outside of school plus they only are interested because they saw him as a really hot guy. Dont ever say your less than everyone else because truth be told, your not and you should know that =]. I mean when i first saw you i thought you were really intimidating and not even just because of Conor just in general you looked like it so dont doubt yourself at all =D

Maybe Marissa is right?
Good Lord, I Hope So.
All I can see is a dumb slut.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Confusion of the masses:

I'm messing things up.
I knew I would.
God damn it.

Knowing I'm throwing this away is making me cry.
This is definitely worth the tears, though.
There is no denying it's worth.

I'm just a dumb bitch.
I always fuck things up.
Fuck my lifeeeeeee.

I feel horrible..
Terrible, horrible.
Absolutely wretched.

I'm feeding off of the little things.
Simply because, i haven't got anything big to go on.
This is so stupid.
He's fucking perfect.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

When Thou Feels They Shant Speak...

I'm high. Shocker.
Gerry&Conor. Shocker.
Perception is perfect. Shocker.

Conor is gone now.
That doesn't make me feel good.

Every time I'm with him.
My feelings grow.

That scares me.
I miss him already.

Lots of it.

He's perfect.
That scares me.
I'm so far from it.

He's sweet, and really good to me.
That confuses me.
I'm a bitch.

I'm falling for him hard, ridiculously hard.
That just freaks me out.
I can't fall in love again.
I can't do it to myself.
Not this ever again.

I am a dumb ass, manipulative, destructive, bitch.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

I haven't got a thing to say.

Other than:
I was just sitting here pondering that.

Music makes me think of that silly boy.
What will I do when he's gone?

Sunday, October 5, 2008

This one is for you:

Dear Me,
You poked smot! Bad girl.

This weekend was horribly perfect. I loved it. I like sleeping next to him. I like kissing him in front of everyone. I like knowing that the bitches can't have him. I like breathing in and feeling him doing the same, simultaneously. I like my over-analyzed conclusion of his person. I like that he is more genuine than anyone I know. I like that he calls me his girlfriend, not JUST to me, but to other people too. I like him. I like him. I like him. A ridiculous amount.


Alright, here. I will unleash this to you with all of the glorious words I have.

I was lying in his arms thinking louder than I have ever thought before. I thought I was screaming, I thought I was yelling it at the top of my lungs. I wasn't. There wasn't a sound uttering from my lips. Other than, of course, an inane giggle, and a sensuous breath. I could feel the words coming up to my tongue and rolling off. "Not yet, calm down," I beckoned. They plummeted back into my throat. "Thank you," I thought to myself.

I've never felt that good.

Saturday, October 4, 2008

The bottle of a Colt 45.

Pot makes me think long and hard about everything in my life.

That is why I smoke it.
Not for effect. Not to make people happy.
Not to be cool. Not to feel fucked up.

I smoke pot because it gives me the right perspective on my life.

I over-analyze and realize that I am not as happy as I seem.
I over-analyze and realize that I am just as happy as I seem.
I over-analyze and realize that I am not as lost as I seem.
I over-analyze and realize that I am just as lost as I seem.
I over-analyze and realize that I am not the person I want to be.
I over-analyze and suddenly, what seemed sure, isn't what is sure.

Suddenly. I never want to smoke pot again. But I will.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

A Static Lullaby

Joe's coming over tomorrow. I am terrified. I do not want to mess things up with Conor. I will probably kiss Joe. I do not want to. I know me. I know me with Joe. I'm so scared. I made Joe promise nothing would happen. He has lied before. A lot.

I want to be with Conor.
I want to be with Conor.

I want to be with Conor.

I want to be with Conor.

I want to be with Conor.

I will fall in love with him. I know I will. I'm scared.

A kiss to send the stress to sunsets,
&& we forget to find a sound to make us move.


know I am. This just scares me.

Monday, September 29, 2008


I drove to New York
in a van, with my friend
we slept in parking lots
I don't mind, I don't mind
I was in love with the place
in my mind, in my mind
I made a lot of mistakes
in my mind, in my mind.

I felt your shape and heard you breathing,
I felt the rise and fall of your chest.

I'd swim across lake Michigan
I'd sell my shoes
I'd give my body to be back again

In the rest of the room
To be alone with you
So, just say how to make it right
And I swear i'll do my best to comply.
Tell me, am I right to think
that there could be nothing better
Than making you my bride
and slowly growing old together?

Thank you for making me happy. <3

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Same to you.


Monday, September 22, 2008

Once you know; you know.

When does the line where things are vivid, and things are unidentifiable blur? At what point does that begin? I would like to go back to vividness. I like it when things are in black and white, and not gray. The gray scale sucks. Seriously.

[New Thought]
I have this kid. He is mine. Sorry. He's this totally rad guy that can make me smile on the gloomiest of days. He's one of the very few boys to ever hear me cry. He talks to me nearly 24 hours a day and still hasn't gotten sick of me. He's got my personality and
amazing sense of style. JKJKJK, LOLOLOL. He's cooler than me. I don't really know what to say... I do know, though, that he's been making me happier than I have been in months. I know that he makes me feel like I deserve people's nicety's. I know that he's someone who I'd like to have in my life, with or without the title of boyfriend [MOSTLY WITH]. I know that he likes to make people smile, and that he really does care about me. I know that I like him enough to sit in his place of work for five hours and fifteen minutes just so I could see him on his breaks or when I could sneak a kissy. I know that he's texting me right now because he really wants to talk to me. Teehee. I know that he's got girls all over him, and yet.. he likes me. Which is stupid, but TOTALLY RAD. I know that he hates dances, but he's coming with me anyway just because it'd make me happy. I also know that he's the most gorgeous boy I have EVER laid eyes on, and I like to tap that. <3

[New Thought]
I'm an idiot. Let me inform you of this before you get too close to me. I pick my battles. Never the right battles. I pick my friends. Never the right friends. I fall in love with people. Never the right people. I make more mistakes than people my age should. I am not naive, just stubborn. I find error in the flawless. I am picky, irritating, obnoxious, and too nice for my own good. I let people walk all over me day in and day out. It's who I am.

[New Thought]
I have ridiculous fears including: seagulls, various other birds, metal tape measures, deer, driving, escalators, elevators. I fear being alone. I fear being in confined spaces. I fear that I will never be good enough. I fear that I will never succeed. I am afraid you will never like me the way I wish you would. I am afraid of you seeing who I legitimately am. I am afraid of hurting you. I am afraid of trusting you. I am afraid that you're just too naive to see me for WHO I am, not what I am. I'm afraid you will find someone better. I am afraid I'm not pretty enough for you, or smart enough, or daring enough, or funny enough. I am afraid.

[New Thought]

[New Thought]

Here's something I jotted down on one of my assignments today:

I fear the ground is quaking beneath us;
I fear I will be stranded here.
A fear; a nightmare; an experiment;
The component which ushers in the night.
Hoping for the future to cancel out the past;
Gracefully calling to the morning.
Accompanied by the sounds of desperation;
This pencil comes alive.
I fear that this hole I am falling into is getting deeper.
I fear that I can climb no more.

[New Thought]
Here is another something that I found of mine:

I find myself in an ever-encroaching space.
A hole of sorts.
Digging into the sides to get to the top.
It never comes.
Dirt manages to find it's way underneath of my fingernails.
Hard to get rid of; never completely gone.
A scar of sorts.
A reminder of what is in the past.
Digging is the only way out.
The worst before the better.
Plaguing my mind with darkness, the Sun retires.
Gracefully slipping beneath the treeline.
I am alone.

[New Thought]
I hate when people are sweet as pie to you when no one is around, but the second they're with their friends or your friends or.. friends.. they are COMPLETE assholes. It's so fucking stupid. You're not cool if you're a dick.

<---You and I before.

I miss you, asshole. D: