My emotions are askew.

I want to get fucked up.

That's about it, blogger.

OH! One more thing! I lied, sorry!

I get to see Conor tomorrow too. :)


SHIT! I lied AGAIN!

Joe's eighteenth birthday is today! I called him at 11:57 and made him talk to me until 12:01. I got to say it first. I miss him a lot. I mean he was my best friend, losing him even as that sucks, blogger. A lot. Although, he fucks with my emotions.
Maybe it's better he's an adult now?
Maybe he'll forget about me entirely? :)

________________________

I just dropped back down to depressed.
I've been trying to be nice today.
It kinda worked. D:
I just don't want him to leave me.

I like my boyfriend alot.

I'm babysitting, again.

These kids are whack Arnolds'.

I feel better today.

I've been fucking up.

I'm tryingt o fix myself.

I promise, blogger.

You'll see.

I love love love love love being a fuck-up, dude.
It's my favourite ever.

[Other than Conor, of course.]



By the way:

I realized that I am too stupid to get my shit straight.

I realized that I am basically only happy when I do drugs.

I realized that I am slowly slipping into the ninth grade Blaine.

I realized that it wasn't his fault.

________________________________

Thor: heyy
Me: Hai.
Me: hao r u
Me: My power has been out for the last 3 and a half hours.
Thor: wow
Thor: im sorry
Thor: how else have you been
Thor: how was your weekend
Me: I have been having to listen to my fucking family cuss eachother out
Me: all fucking night
Me: AND I'm depressed as fuck.
Me: oh, and Conor prolly hates me, to-boot.
Thor: :[
Me: Just.. genuinely depressed.
Me: My mood sucks.
Me: all the fucking time.
Thor: mmm
Me: I haven't felt HAPPY in weeks.
Me: && I've been basically horrible to Conor whenever I feel like it because I'm a stupid cunt and can't control my emotions for shit.
Me: He's good to me no matter what. God damn it.
Me: I haven't felt anything other than depressed or angry in weeks.
Thor: its not totally uncommon to feel those emotions
Thor: so how was the rest of Saturday
Me: Conor and I did nothing.
Me: When I was with him I felt fucking amazing, like it was the best way in the world to spend my birthday, and he wanted so badly to make me happy, and while I was there, with him, I was.
Me: But then I got home and I realized that it was a lame way to spend my birthday because it was like ANY OTHER DAY.
Me: That doesn't change anything, though. My birthday, I mean.
Me: I've never had a good one anyway. So in comparison, this one fucking ruled.
Me: Even if it wasn't more exciting than any other day. hell, people even fucking REMEMBERED this year.
Thor: werdd
Thor: im sorry your birthday weekend went so lamely
Me: I wasn't excited that it was my birthday
Me: I wasn't happy getting gifts
Me: or birthday wishes
Me: nothing mattered to me.
Me: AT ALL. I had complete apathy.
Thor: i'm sry
Me: I feel like an uber bitch
Me: but GOD DAMN IT
Thor: s'all good
Thor: everybody has their days and or weeeks
Thor: so when are we ever going to hang out again and or see each other

[CUT OUT]

Me: OH YEAH. Not only do I have anger and depression, but I also am filled with paranoia and apathy and ALL I WANT TO DO IS DRUGS.
Thor: that's normal for me
Thor: paranoia and alienated self loathing is what i constantly feel
Me: I feel like you.
Thor: its nice isn't it?
Thor: taking retreat and finding solace in a ball of self hatred
Me: I don't understand this.
Me: Everything has been going pretty damn good.
Me: but I don't FEEL good.
Thor: werd
Thor: i g2g
Me: Kayz.
Me: Thanks for listening. :c
______________________________

I settled on this for English:

"4

It seems as though, these sad songs just keep playing.
Drawing me back to a place that I am all too familiar with.
Caressing my inner depression.
Teasing my insecurities.
Destroying any hope of an opening,
That I can squeeze myself free through.
I am too fragile to make it out alive.

I cannot bend, budge, or move to your will.
I cannot send the stress to sunsets, and forget.
I ca not smother the feeling something is altered.
That something has changed.
I am not me. I think the music is winning.

It seems as though, these sad songs just keep playing.
Shattering me like a mirror,
One thousand shards or more to tidy.
Cutting myself trying to pick them up,
With bare hands and sensitive flesh.
They heal over, yet the scars remain.
I am too fragile to make it out alive.

I cannot see the forest for the trees.
I cannot read between the lines, or sing the right notes.
Here I am, now, singing along.
Feeling every emotion the words entail.
I am not me. I think the music is winning.

It seems as though, these sad songs just keep playing.
Drawing me deeper with each new beat.
Letting me down with each sorrowful lyric.
Caressing my ear drums.
Teasing my emotions.
Destroying any sound that might provoke me
To be anything but how I am right now.

The music has definitely won.
I am too fragile to make it out alive."

My birthday is officially over.
It.. went well.



I wish I wasn't so fucking stupid, though.

You don't look like him to me.
Maybe you've manifested yourself into my world.
Maybe I just wish he was you.
Who the fuck knows what I feel, anymore?
Certainly not me, that's for sure.

You, my darling boy, are my Ryan.
______________________________

We had to write a poem about ourselves in English.
Mine was too depressing to hand-in.
I would surely be sent to the guidance office.
Where they would call my parents.
I'd go back to therapy.

That's where I belong, though.
Therapy.
I'd be happy going there.
Unlike all the other kids.
I want to be happy, I strive for it.

But these sad songs just keep playing.
Drawing me back to a place I'm all too familiar with.
Caressing my inner depression.
Teasing my insecurities.
Destroying any hope of an opening,
That I can squeeze myself free through.
I think the music is winning.

_________________________

Here are two things that made me think of him while I was reading during my babysitting extravaganza:

ONE:
"Sage stepped up on her tiptoes and pressed her lips to his for a long crushing kiss that made Brandon wonder why he was wasting any time thinking about his inner dorkdom, being upstaged by Heath Ferro, or anything other than the beautiful girl in front of him."

Mine would sound more like this:

"He leaned down an kissed her, making sure to catch her just as she sheepishly smiled looking into his brown eyes. This kiss, making her wonder why she was worried about all the other girls, why she gets flustered with him when he can't be around or anything other than the perfect, loving guy, in front of her."

He makes me feel that way with every kiss. Every single one. No complaints.

TWO:
"Nothing he had ever said had felt so cruel- not even that time she wore a pink Vera Wang bubble dress to the Spring Fling and he told her that she looked like a pink frosted cupcake. He hadn't meant to be cruel then- it was just a clueless guy kind of thing to say. He'd spent the rest of the night trying to convince her that he loved cupcakes."

Mine would sound like this:

"Nothing he had ever said had felt so cruel- not even those times he'd made fun of her before. They appeared so minuscule she couldn't remember any occasions for comparison- it was just a clueless guy kind of thing to say. He'd spent the rest of the night trying to convince her that she wasn't fat, and he didn't mean it that way."

That's the kind of guy he is. Innocent, and unaware. It wouldn't have effected me if it didn't come from him, and if he didn't say something that toyed with my insecurities. He tried to make it better. I should have just let him.

I'm too fragile. I'll never make it out.

Autumn's Offering:

With Autumn...
Comes my depression.
Comes the cold.
Comes my mood swings.
Comes loss of friends.
Comes the end of marking period one.
Worst of all, with Autumn comes my birthday.

My birthday is the most loathed holiday in a years time. JUST beating Christmas. My birthday has never been a celebration. I can't remember one good thing about ANY of my birthdays. I've had seventeen of them by Saturday. Zero out of seventeen. What an unscathed record. I even cancelled my birthday dinner this year in fear of it being just like all of the other birthdays.

Reasons for cancelling my birthday dinner:
-No one should ever have to pay for my ANYTHING.
-No one should ahve to rearrange their schedule for me.
-I am an inconvenience.
-No one wanted to come other than Katt, Fire, Tessa, and Thor.
-My boyfriend would rather spend time with his friends.
-I am genuinely depressed, and have no motivation for anything.
-I am too emotional for my own good.
-I wanted Katt to maybe see Evan Friday night so that she'd make him smile.
-No one has a way there, anyway.
-Blake doesn't even want to be around me.

Am I really turning into Alex?

Read my fears:
-Being fat. [He didn't mean to, but called me fat. I freaked out. That's a big fear of mine.]
-Being too ________. [He didn't mean it in a bad way, but he said that I kiss him alot more than his crazy ex. I don't want to be his crazy girlfriend. Fuck.] I dont' want to be too much of ANYTHING.
-Turning into Alex. [Blake told me I was turning into Alex. I wanted to cry on the spot.]
-Crying too much. [I'm an emotional wreck.]
-Fucking shit up with Conor. [I will. I know it. I'm waiting for it.]
-I'm terrified I'll be alone. Horrified; scared shitless.

Is it pathetic that I am legitimately crying right now?

Ithinkyes.

Pathetic:
-I haven't had a bad day.
-I am getting paid to babysit kids that are asleep right now.
-I've got it easy.

Not Pathetic:
- I miss Conor.
- I feel like my friends are drifting from me.
- I'm insecure as fuck right now.
- I feel alone.
- Autumn makes me depressed.
- I hate my birthday.
- My mom hates me more than usual.
- I'm a terrible daughter and student.
- I only want to get fucked up right now.
- Getting fucked up makes me happy.

Thislistsaysno.

____________________________________

Let me tell you about Conor.

I like him, alot.
I like when he puts his glasses on and looks like a MAJOR indie kid.
I like the way he looks at me like I matter to him, like I mean something.
I like when his hair is allll messed up, because he still looks adorable.
I like when he kisses my cheek, I like it more than when he kisses my mouth.
I like when he says stupid things that don't make any sense because he's tired and won't admit it.
I like that he tells me he misses me, since when do people miss me?
I like that he seems to care about me like I care about him. I'm not used to that.
I like when he wears his yellow T-shirt with the heart being filled because it looks good on him.
I like when he wants to hold my hand in front of people, since when are people not ashamed of me?
I like the fact that no matter how bitchy I am, he's sweet to me.
I like that he thinks me being delirious when I wake up is cute.
I like that I feel safe wearing my heart on my sleeve in front of him.
I like that after we kiss he gets this adorable smirk on his face that he always tries to hide.
I like that he actually wants me to hang out with him and his friends.
I like that he constantly make me feel like I'm worth something.
I like when he wears his silly scarves simply because he loves them, not because he's trying to be cool.
I like that he's uncomfortable with the AEHS girls always wanting to fuck him.
I like that he keeps texting me even when I know I'm annoying him.
I like that his heart is always in the right place.
I like that he's not worried too much about impressing people.

I dislike when he's with his friends and he's more immature than usual.
Maturity means growth.
I dislike when he wants to put his finger in my nose.
WHO DOES THAT?
I dislike how he is entirely vulgar with me, even thought that means he's comfortable.
I try hard as fuck to keep him liking me. It's like he doesn't care if I stay or go. He doesn't want to impress me anymore.
I dislike how he blows off talking to me when he's with his "other" group of friends or how he forgets to call me when he gets home from being with them, even when I say, "Please don't forget about me."
"I never do" is a lie. They pretty much only get him into bad situations, anyway.
I dislike how he doesn't have time to talk to me on the phone anymore, or how he calls too late, and gets sleepy.
He used to always have time. Maybe now that he has me, he doesn't feel like he has to try anymore.
I dislike how he says things without thinking, because even when he's kidding.. I take it seriously.
I'm insecure and sensitive. I hid my face in your shit when you accidentally called me fat because I was tearing up. That's what Alex does to me. Everything he says eats away at me.
I dislike how he doesn't talk to me when he's not okay.
If he can't open up, why the fuck should I? Maybe I'll go back to talking to Joe when I'm not okay.



I don't dislike much. Most of those things are small anyway. I'm scared, though. All small things get bigger, and grow. They don't just go away. I don't want to lose him. Maybe I'm just being stupid. However, it's ohkay because I don't have the balls to say any of this to his face. Nothing can possibly change if he never knows how I feel, right? Good. Let's keep it that way. I'm fucking ridiculously happy with him. DO NOT MISINTERPRET. Everyone dislikes things about someone else, no matter who they are. The good outweighs the bad, anyway.

I'm feeling anti-social, but good.

I'm having a good hair day.
&& My outfit looks cute.

Katt really should keep the 'stache.
She's gorgeous even when she's supposed to look dumb.
I love her. <3

I'm listening to Ja Rule.
It's not really my style, but it's making me feel really good.

I ate some Pringles.
They tasted like sexual pleasure.

Crumbs! NOMNOMNOM.

I'm talking to Conor.
I'm seeing him today!
I miss him SO MUCH.
sefuha;ojhgw;aurheitjgniytbe
He always makes me feel good.

I'm dancing.

My birthday is Saturday!

I broke my own damn heart.

Fuck.


I hate you, sir.
I hate everything you are.
I hate how you make me feel.
I hate you with my entire soul.

I like my life today.
I think it's because I'm doing drugs again.
God, I had forgotten how happy that used to make me.

Also, my hair fits into a pony tail now.
Everything except the back.
I think this means I'm growing up.

My nails are growing out.
I don't bite them as much anymore.
Only when I'm stressed.

I've got a pretty rad boyfriend.
I'm falling for him pretty hard.
I think I'm slipping, actually.

Paint your face up something elogant...

...or make yourself into part of a tribe. BAHAHAHA

Today ruled. It was fun as shit. Even though it should have been gross as fuck.





I really fucking like my boyfriend. Kay? Thanks.

All is good in the hood.
All is good wiff Conor.
All is good wiff escuela.
All is good wiff frannds.
All is well...

...not in the home.
But errywhere else. : )
_______________________________________

That was not even 10 hours ago.

"Oh and I'm feeling directionless. Yes, but that's to be expected, and I know that best."
That's me now. Directionless. I do know that best.

It's funny...
I thought maybe she didn't hate me anymore.

What a silly joke I made...
Radical.

You know what I need? A cigarette.
Never craved one until now.

I see why he's hurting himself.
I will be just like him one day. : )

One foot in front of the other, girl.
That's all you have to do.

It's hard to focus, when you're not ohkay.
It's hard to be ohkay, when God hates you.

I want Conor to be here so that I can walk around Poolesville with him.
Then, maybe, I'd be ohkay for thirteen seconds.

You.. again?

I'm wayyyy too happy about this phone call I just got.

God fuck this.
I hate that you still make me smile, bastard.

Go find your girlfriend.

It made me cry knowing that you are hurting yourself.
It made me cry knowing that you're not you anymore.

It did not make me miss you.
It did not make me regret.

It really made me love him more.

Questions to consider:

--So I guess we're falling apart? Two oposite directions, one destination. Maybe we're just having a rough week, or a rough few days. Alex says that it's normal to be confused at about one month, but what does he know? He's never been in any type of a real relationship before. I've been in plenty. I just can't seem to remember how I felt.

--&& That's how i've been feeling. Clouded. Distant. Confused. My appetite has been smaller than usual. My mind has been far from here. I simply can't help but be scared.

--That's the word that seems to fit me as of late.

Scared.

Scared of trusting.

Scared of loving.

Scared of falling.

Scared of feeling.

Scared of being happy.

Scared of committing.

He doesn't even know. I'm a wreck.

--Missing him has become my priority. Not good. I am definitely reading too much into this. thinking too much about thses last couple days. We all have our times when we just need space.

Maybe he just needs space?

I'm prolly smothering him. No, not the like the song by The Used.

Maybe I did something wrong?

I haven't been very receptive lately. No, not liket he underOATH song.

Uhg. This is no good.

Maybe he's just as confused as I am?

I doubt it. Boys don't overthink like women do. People don't overthink like I do.

Maybe Gerry is right?

I hope he is.

Maybe I shouldn't just give up?

But that's the easy way.. and you know me, Blogger.

I love the easy way out.

I'm pretty much just a dumb slut. I knew myself all along.

______________________________________________________

Why can't I just understand? I'm not used to not having someone to go to. I'm used to having Joe around, or Jacob, or Katt.. or anyone. This isn't how it's supposed to be. I'm pushing him away. I won't open up. I'm like a clam protecting it's pearl.

I wish everything was over.

Does that sound too emotional? I do, though. I'm weak. Very, very feeble and weak. Maybe I should just isolate myself? I've recently noticed that ALL of thses posts are full of emotion. I am emotion. I hate that. I've built up this wall where no one can come in. I've built up this wall of apathy. I am not ready to have it be torn down again.

After Joe.. I don't know what I can let in. Lucky me, Conor is a liquid, and can peirce through my crevaces. I'm afraid of letting him in. Yet, it feels so right.

Why can't things just be easy, Blogger?

I'll be waiting for your reply.


______________________________________________________


I found the Holy Bible on a bench outside the courthouse
And I am scared because I do not think of God, no no
The thoughts that cross my mind
Are neither holy, nor divine
Just simple human longings for the boy who does not believe
He once believed in me

So I walked on and stuffed that heavy new book under my arm
And then I got in my car and drove on home
I thought of words he said
'Bout where we're going once we're dead
But other worries fill my head
It's selfish and I know I'm wrong
But I'll miss him when he's gone

Yeah I still fear the black
But there's no looking back
And if I'm dying, I'm just dying for you, dear
Can't tell which way to go
I doubt we'll ever know
Let's take advantage of the time that we've got here
'Cause time's all we've got here

I made it home, unlocked the door, and tossed that book onto the floor
Where it sat waiting like I'm waiting for the truth, so
I put it in a box under my bed, with all those silly things I've kept
And I will leave it there unread, so I can get back to
Figuring out how I'll get through today and tomorrow

Yeah I still fear the black
But there's no looking back
And if I'm dying, I'm just dying for you, dear
Can't tell which way to go
I doubt we'll ever know
Let's take advantage of the time that we've got here
'Cause time's all we've got here

And if it's just gonna end, what's the point of it all?
Call it quits, cut out early, this is surely your fault
When I fall back to you, I am through, I am through
Oh but I do...I do...

Yeah I still fear the black
But there's no lookin' back
And if I'm dying, I'm just dying for you, dear
Can't tell which way to go
I doubt we'll ever know
Let's take advantage of the time that we've got here
'Cause time's all we've got here

A Gorgeous Face.

I don't mind the fact that he has me whipped

He prolly doesn't even know it.
He's really really good to me.
In fact... he's fucking amazing.
To be completely honest...
I've never felt this good dating anyone.

It is they, that make me so incredibly uncomfortable.
It is they that put this inane amount of pressure on me.

Think about this part:

Conor goes to a school where there are pretty girls who want to date him all of the time.
Where there are girls who would KILL to have him just for a second.

Now think about this:

I've got THE lowest self esteem, so I get to worry every three seconds about him finding someone prettier or nicer, or more genuine, or just better than me. I know him, and I know that he'd never do that to me. But, I'm scared, because that is ALL I know. I am less than everyone else. That is how it is. Half of these girls can't even tell me his favourite color, or his favourite song.. or even tell me his middle name. Most can't even pronounce his last name correctly. They don't know him as a person, they know him as a face. A Gorgeous Face. a gorgeous face that they want to kiss and touch and hold in their hands. That's my place. They want MY place. They might as well just take it right out from under me.

I am scared. Terrified. Upset.
I am feeble. Stupid. Naive.
I am manipulation at it's finest.
I am trust at it's weakest.




_____________________________________________


And listen to me, you are GORGEOUS and probably one of the nicest girl I've met. I sincerely mean it when i say the girls at my school don't compare to you, especially in Conor's eyes. The majority of girls at my school would die to get with him but exactly as you said, they know close to nothing about him which is exactly why they wont. Even the girls who are semi friends with him, he's not into them at all because he know he's got a great girl outside of school plus they only are interested because they saw him as a really hot guy. Dont ever say your less than everyone else because truth be told, your not and you should know that =]. I mean when i first saw you i thought you were really intimidating and not even just because of Conor just in general you looked like it so dont doubt yourself at all =D

Maybe Marissa is right?
Good Lord, I Hope So.
All I can see is a dumb slut.

Confusion of the masses:

I'm messing things up.
I knew I would.
God damn it.

Knowing I'm throwing this away is making me cry.
This is definitely worth the tears, though.
There is no denying it's worth.

I'm just a dumb bitch.
I always fuck things up.
Fuck my lifeeeeeee.

I feel horrible..
Terrible, horrible.
Absolutely wretched.



I'm feeding off of the little things.
Simply because, i haven't got anything big to go on.
This is so stupid.
He's fucking perfect.

When Thou Feels They Shant Speak...

I'm high. Shocker.
Gerry&Conor. Shocker.
Perception is perfect. Shocker.

Conor is gone now.
That doesn't make me feel good.

Every time I'm with him.
My feelings grow.

That scares me.
I miss him already.

Confusion.
Lots of it.

He's perfect.
That scares me.
I'm so far from it.

He's sweet, and really good to me.
That confuses me.
I'm a bitch.

I'm falling for him hard, ridiculously hard.
That just freaks me out.
I can't fall in love again.
I can't do it to myself.
Not this ever again.

I am a dumb ass, manipulative, destructive, bitch.

I haven't got a thing to say.

Other than:
I MISS CONOR.
I was just sitting here pondering that.

Music makes me think of that silly boy.
What will I do when he's gone?
<3

This one is for you:

Dear Me,
You poked smot! Bad girl.
Sincerely,
Me.

_____________________________________________
This weekend was horribly perfect. I loved it. I like sleeping next to him. I like kissing him in front of everyone. I like knowing that the bitches can't have him. I like breathing in and feeling him doing the same, simultaneously. I like my over-analyzed conclusion of his person. I like that he is more genuine than anyone I know. I like that he calls me his girlfriend, not JUST to me, but to other people too. I like him. I like him. I like him. A ridiculous amount.

_____________________________________________


Alright, here. I will unleash this to you with all of the glorious words I have.

I was lying in his arms thinking louder than I have ever thought before. I thought I was screaming, I thought I was yelling it at the top of my lungs. I wasn't. There wasn't a sound uttering from my lips. Other than, of course, an inane giggle, and a sensuous breath. I could feel the words coming up to my tongue and rolling off. "Not yet, calm down," I beckoned. They plummeted back into my throat. "Thank you," I thought to myself.

I've never felt that good.

The bottle of a Colt 45.

Pot makes me think long and hard about everything in my life.

That is why I smoke it.
Not for effect. Not to make people happy.
Not to be cool. Not to feel fucked up.

I smoke pot because it gives me the right perspective on my life.


I over-analyze and realize that I am not as happy as I seem.
I over-analyze and realize that I am just as happy as I seem.
I over-analyze and realize that I am not as lost as I seem.
I over-analyze and realize that I am just as lost as I seem.
I over-analyze and realize that I am not the person I want to be.
I over-analyze and suddenly, what seemed sure, isn't what is sure.


Suddenly. I never want to smoke pot again. But I will.

A Static Lullaby

Joe's coming over tomorrow. I am terrified. I do not want to mess things up with Conor. I will probably kiss Joe. I do not want to. I know me. I know me with Joe. I'm so scared. I made Joe promise nothing would happen. He has lied before. A lot.

I want to be with Conor.
I want to be with Conor.
I want to be with Conor.
I want to be with Conor.
I want to be with Conor.

I will fall in love with him. I know I will. I'm scared.





A kiss to send the stress to sunsets,
&& we forget to find a sound to make us move.






iamoverjoe.iamoverjoe.iamoverjoe.iamoverjoe.

I know I am. This just scares me.