Monday, September 22, 2008

Once you know; you know.

When does the line where things are vivid, and things are unidentifiable blur? At what point does that begin? I would like to go back to vividness. I like it when things are in black and white, and not gray. The gray scale sucks. Seriously.

[New Thought]
I have this kid. He is mine. Sorry. He's this totally rad guy that can make me smile on the gloomiest of days. He's one of the very few boys to ever hear me cry. He talks to me nearly 24 hours a day and still hasn't gotten sick of me. He's got my personality and
amazing sense of style. JKJKJK, LOLOLOL. He's cooler than me. I don't really know what to say... I do know, though, that he's been making me happier than I have been in months. I know that he makes me feel like I deserve people's nicety's. I know that he's someone who I'd like to have in my life, with or without the title of boyfriend [MOSTLY WITH]. I know that he likes to make people smile, and that he really does care about me. I know that I like him enough to sit in his place of work for five hours and fifteen minutes just so I could see him on his breaks or when I could sneak a kissy. I know that he's texting me right now because he really wants to talk to me. Teehee. I know that he's got girls all over him, and yet.. he likes me. Which is stupid, but TOTALLY RAD. I know that he hates dances, but he's coming with me anyway just because it'd make me happy. I also know that he's the most gorgeous boy I have EVER laid eyes on, and I like to tap that. <3

[New Thought]
I'm an idiot. Let me inform you of this before you get too close to me. I pick my battles. Never the right battles. I pick my friends. Never the right friends. I fall in love with people. Never the right people. I make more mistakes than people my age should. I am not naive, just stubborn. I find error in the flawless. I am picky, irritating, obnoxious, and too nice for my own good. I let people walk all over me day in and day out. It's who I am.

[New Thought]
I have ridiculous fears including: seagulls, various other birds, metal tape measures, deer, driving, escalators, elevators. I fear being alone. I fear being in confined spaces. I fear that I will never be good enough. I fear that I will never succeed. I am afraid you will never like me the way I wish you would. I am afraid of you seeing who I legitimately am. I am afraid of hurting you. I am afraid of trusting you. I am afraid that you're just too naive to see me for WHO I am, not what I am. I'm afraid you will find someone better. I am afraid I'm not pretty enough for you, or smart enough, or daring enough, or funny enough. I am afraid.

[New Thought]

[New Thought]

Here's something I jotted down on one of my assignments today:

I fear the ground is quaking beneath us;
I fear I will be stranded here.
A fear; a nightmare; an experiment;
The component which ushers in the night.
Hoping for the future to cancel out the past;
Gracefully calling to the morning.
Accompanied by the sounds of desperation;
This pencil comes alive.
I fear that this hole I am falling into is getting deeper.
I fear that I can climb no more.

[New Thought]
Here is another something that I found of mine:

I find myself in an ever-encroaching space.
A hole of sorts.
Digging into the sides to get to the top.
It never comes.
Dirt manages to find it's way underneath of my fingernails.
Hard to get rid of; never completely gone.
A scar of sorts.
A reminder of what is in the past.
Digging is the only way out.
The worst before the better.
Plaguing my mind with darkness, the Sun retires.
Gracefully slipping beneath the treeline.
I am alone.

[New Thought]
I hate when people are sweet as pie to you when no one is around, but the second they're with their friends or your friends or.. friends.. they are COMPLETE assholes. It's so fucking stupid. You're not cool if you're a dick.

<---You and I before.

I miss you, asshole. D:

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