Wednesday, December 24, 2008

youexxplode: blaine you need to give yourself more credit you are great and any guy would be lucky to date you but thats just what happens when some immature little boy cant handle his drugs
youexxplode: i know nothing i say will make you feel any better but i thought i should tell you that anyway
youexxplode: just dont forget it


youexxplode: i like your name
Ohhh x Bumblebee: I hate my name.
Ohhh x Bumblebee: xD
youexxplode: i like it
youexxplode: its unique
youexxplode: i dont think i know anyone else with the name blaine
Ohhh x Bumblebee: It fits me
Ohhh x Bumblebee: but I don't like me either
Ohhh x Bumblebee: sooooo
Ohhh x Bumblebee: xD
youexxplode: whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?!?!?!?!?!
youexxplode: are you insane?!
youexxplode: whats not to like
youexxplode: huh huh huh?!
Ohhh x Bumblebee: I like YOU.
Ohhh x Bumblebee: I wish you lived closer.
Ohhh x Bumblebee: Fuck being my male attachment
Ohhh x Bumblebee: you could be my boyfriend
Ohhh x Bumblebee: omfg
Ohhh x Bumblebee: I used that word!
youexxplode: :-D
youexxplode: you should move closer ASAP
Ohhh x Bumblebee: I knowwww. I want to.
Ohhh x Bumblebee: You're good ot me.
Ohhh x Bumblebee: *to
youexxplode: you would be an awesome girlfriend
Ohhh x Bumblebee: You would be an incredible boyfriend.
youexxplode: <3
Ohhh x Bumblebee: <3
youexxplode: we would just be an incredible couple
Ohhh x Bumblebee: I know!
youexxplode: the end
Ohhh x Bumblebee: Can I call you?
youexxplode: plus you are really really pretty and if we were dating id probably never stop kissing you
youexxplode: and i would like that very much
Ohhh x Bumblebee: I can call you?
Ohhh x Bumblebee: Silly boy.
Ohhh x Bumblebee: You would have to stop kissing me
Ohhh x Bumblebee: SO I COULD KISS YOU.
youexxplode: you can try but i have like no service where i am right now cause im at my dad's and i won't be home until sunday
youexxplode: cause im in ohio and it sucksssssssss
youexxplode: haha you are too cute
youexxplode: i wanna give you a big hug and lift you up and spin you around then then give you a cute little kiss on the nose
Ohhh x Bumblebee: My mouth would be jealous of the action my nose was getting. Could it have some too?
youexxplode: of courseeeeeeeee
youexxplode: you can have all the kisses you went where ever you want how ever you want them :-)
Ohhh x Bumblebee: I am listening to your myspace playlisttt. :]
youexxplode: as long as i get to kiss you i dont care :-)
Ohhh x Bumblebee: I'm smiling and dancing.
Ohhh x Bumblebee: You made this Christmas a good one. A REALLY good one.
Ohhh x Bumblebee: <3
youexxplode: aww but i didnt even do anything!
youexxplode: if i lived closer id come by right now and suprise you with hot cocoa and keep you company till its midnight then surprise you with a gift
youexxplode: since it would be such short notice though id probably make you a gift so it wouldnt be that great
Ohhh x Bumblebee: You are the sweetest guy EVER.
youexxplode: haha no way
youexxplode: you must have me mistaken for someone else

youexxplode: 4 hours is far but not far enough to make not wanna come see you

[If he comes to see me then I will fucking GO HOME with him.]

I'm easily frustrated and you are not helping.

I'm destined to be alone.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Cody is pretty. :D

The other.. is NOT.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

...none of my issues seem important to me anymore.

I plan to get my head out of my ass.
& worry about those who matter.

I get nervous

When I see Zach Zapata:
because he looks like you.
because he sounds like you.
because he is the closest thing I have to you.

I'm having a panic attack.

I can't catch my breath.
I can't settle down.
You have that effect on me.
& you're not even here.

I'm having a panic attack.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

There you are, sir.

You know what else? You stopped calling like you used to.. or talking to me like you used to. It's like you think that you don't have to try with me anymore because you've already caught me. It's dumb. WHY DO GUYS DO THAT. ERG. I'm going to regret saying these things in the morning. But I need to clear my head. I am sorry. Please don't take this as you're a fuck up, or as I don't like you anymore, and don't think that I deserve better. because if I wanted better. I wouldn't have chosen you to be with. On a scale of one to ten here is what I honestly think. [1 is lowest priority 10 is highest]. Drugs are about a 37 and I am about a... 3? I completely understand your drug use. & I completely understand your alcohol abuse. You do it because anything is better than reality. I DO THE SAME THING. But please GOD consider the fact that MAYBE you can be happy without that shit being choked down your throat everyday. Let me in, Kurt. Cool, I haven't gained your trust yet? Rad. Even if it's not me that you let in. Let SOMEONE in. Jean-Claude, maybe? You cna be happy if you want to be. But in allll honesty. I don't think you want to be. So, yeah. You grew up with a family that fucked you over. So, yeah. The accident made you miserable, it traumatized you. So, yeah. All of your friends have now gone away to college, and you have no idea what to do with yourself when you can't see them. I get it. You feel alone. You don't understand why you are here. Why you are alive. You feel like no one can even remotely relate to you and your woes. You hate yourself. You want nothing more than to be up in heaven with your family members. You miss them. I get it. Here's the deal. You would NOT be here, unless you were meant to be. I strongly believe that with every fiber of my being. I would NEVER give you false hope, or tell you shit will get better when it won't. I am honest. brutally honest. Things COULD get better. If you let them. All I want to do is help everything get better for you. And be with you, and see you whenever I can. I will be there when your dad beats you. I will be there when you get SO fucked up that you can't move, or forget to breathe, or choke on your vomit, or in any other way, maim yourself. If you let me be there. I can't help you if you won't let me. So this allll depends on you. If you want help, you need to trust me. I'm not like everyone else. I am me. I'm crazy and abrasive and vulgar. I can be sweet as sugar or a raging bitch. I am intelligent, wise, and hold no special talents other than hoping for the best for everyone but herself. You can take a chance and let me in. Or you can drop this whole stupid thing we have here. Where I give a lot and you give nothing. Not even a freaking phone call.

I just ruined the fact that I had 77 posts...

jben3456: you dont love me the same do you
Ohhh x Bumblebee: Not like you love me.
Ohhh x Bumblebee: But yes. I do love you.
jben3456: no i mean the same as you used to
Ohhh x Bumblebee: No, I don't.
Ohhh x Bumblebee: I caged myself off from that.
Ohhh x Bumblebee: a long long time ago
jben3456: yea thougt so
jben3456: but just wondering
Ohhh x Bumblebee: You don't love me like that.. do you?
Ohhh x Bumblebee: It isn't possible.
Ohhh x Bumblebee: You loved Lilly.
Ohhh x Bumblebee: or do love Lilly.
Ohhh x Bumblebee: And I love Joe.
Ohhh x Bumblebee: You know?
jben3456: i am infatuated with lilly
jben3456: love is a bit much
Ohhh x Bumblebee: Oh. : /
jben3456: i know you love joe though
jben3456: i wish i could find love again
Ohhh x Bumblebee: You just haven't met her yet.
Ohhh x Bumblebee: I got lucky with Joe.
Ohhh x Bumblebee: But he doesn't love me anymore
Ohhh x Bumblebee: That sucks.
Ohhh x Bumblebee: We still have sex, though.
Ohhh x Bumblebee: I cheated on my last two boyfriends with him.
jben3456: mabby you wherent his girl
Ohhh x Bumblebee: I was his girl. I mean..
Ohhh x Bumblebee: he loves me.
Ohhh x Bumblebee: just not like he used to.
Ohhh x Bumblebee: you know?
Ohhh x Bumblebee: And then..
Ohhh x Bumblebee: He met Juliana.
Ohhh x Bumblebee: and.. he really likes her.
Ohhh x Bumblebee: but he cheats on her with me.
jben3456: i already hate the kid
Ohhh x Bumblebee: And.. he slept over on Sunday
jben3456: wow
Ohhh x Bumblebee: orr
Ohhh x Bumblebee: Saturday
Ohhh x Bumblebee: and he like..
Ohhh x Bumblebee: confessed all these things
Ohhh x Bumblebee: like.. that he doesn't feel good with her like he does with me
Ohhh x Bumblebee: and stuff.
Ohhh x Bumblebee: and it got my hopes up.
Ohhh x Bumblebee: I cried when he fell asleep.
Ohhh x Bumblebee: : /
jben3456: dont go geting your self hurt
Ohhh x Bumblebee: I will ALWAYS be hurt by Joe
jben3456: again
Ohhh x Bumblebee: and I will ALWAYS allow it.
Ohhh x Bumblebee: just because
Ohhh x Bumblebee: inbetween the hurt
Ohhh x Bumblebee: I get to be with him
Ohhh x Bumblebee: for one millisecond.
Ohhh x Bumblebee: and that millisecond
Ohhh x Bumblebee: is worth the ten thousand hurts
jben3456: you see thats what i want
jben3456: a girl capible of puting up with every thing just because she loves me
jben3456: except my goal is to not hurt her
Ohhh x Bumblebee: You fucked that up once.
Ohhh x Bumblebee: I felt that way about you.
Ohhh x Bumblebee: Once upon a time.
jben3456: well i hope joe dosnt fuck it up and his cheating as
jben3456: ass*
Ohhh x Bumblebee: I cheat with him
Ohhh x Bumblebee: He cheats with me.
jben3456: i dont understan how joe dosnt break your heart when he dose all this crap
jben3456: and how you put up with it
Ohhh x Bumblebee: Joe and I aren't dating.
Ohhh x Bumblebee: We haven't been dating since..
Ohhh x Bumblebee: June 11th.
jben3456: i know but he broke up with you
jben3456: and that should of tore you apart
Ohhh x Bumblebee: It did.
Ohhh x Bumblebee: The first second
Ohhh x Bumblebee: and DEFINITELY the third time.
jben3456: but you still want him eh
Ohhh x Bumblebee: Always.
jben3456: that what i want and you cant say you gave that to me
Ohhh x Bumblebee: I stayed with you thourgh MORE that what Joe has put me through.
Ohhh x Bumblebee: and with Joe I was more experienced.
jben3456: still
jben3456: you know it not the same
Ohhh x Bumblebee: I gave you all that I coudl give at my age.
jben3456: i was way less experienced and half the time i didnt know what i did wrong
jben3456: i still cant figure out some thing but i still thik about ot
jben3456: it*
jben3456: i know and im not saying you did any thing wrong
jben3456: i just cant wait to have what you can give, from any one
Ohhh x Bumblebee: I'm sorry, baby.
jben3456: me too
Ohhh x Bumblebee: : /
jben3456: :.(
Ohhh x Bumblebee: I lovessssss you.
Ohhh x Bumblebee: :D
jben3456: you know this is the first time iv felt sad in a long time hehe
Ohhh x Bumblebee: I'm SO SORRY!
jben3456: i have be takeing every thing lighly and not worying about
jben3456: anthig
jben3456: anything
jben3456: its not your
jben3456: falut
jben3456: its mine
jben3456: i cant belive im actuly crying
Ohhh x Bumblebee: Jacob!!!!!
Ohhh x Bumblebee: NO!
jben3456: iv been doing this thing where like every week i go insayn
Ohhh x Bumblebee: ?
jben3456: and i like try and reales all the stress and shit but
jben3456: i dont think it works
jben3456: and now im crying
jben3456: i havent cryed for 6 months
Ohhh x Bumblebee: You have to show emotions allll the time
Ohhh x Bumblebee: or your basically fucked.
jben3456: well for some odd reason iv begon to believ that nothing i seriuse and every thing is cool even when its not
jben3456: blaine i love you and
jben3456: right now thats all i care about
jben3456: dont ask me why
jben3456: its just comferting
Ohhh x Bumblebee: I love you too, Jacob Thomas Bennington.
jben3456: i allways remember that
jben3456: hehe


Nothing is moving me the way the words of these songs do.
Give me some direction for myself.
I am listening.

I missed you yesterday. You silly reminder, you.
Circa Survive always gets me that way.
I once had stop shedding tears for you.
They're all coming back now.
I'm getting re-attached.
I think I know better this time.
I'm sure you're not here for good.
But, my darling, I will be waiting for that.
And I will keep missing you until that day, promise.

This is a plane crash.
This is two cars colliding.
Crash & Burn, baby.
Here we are.
It's the beginning.
We're hanging on by a thread.
Isn't that sad?
We're barely even into this.
We're already fading away.
I knew this wouldn't last.
I knew we wouldn't last.
I really like you, though.
Every time I fee l like were slipping.
This weird part of me wants us to stay.
Right here, right where we are.
Stationary. Immovable. Immobile.
I don't love you, but there is potential.

Everything has been clouding my mind lately.
But, I can't seem to get things off my chest.
Or place the right words together.
In a sentence to show how I feel.
To convey anything but silence.
That is what bothers me.
So, I will sit here.

Face it.
This is a mistake.

Monday, December 15, 2008

All Eyes Are On Me Now

You're out of my mind, out of my mind.

I was walking with a ghost.
I said, "Please, please don't insist."

I want to visit Cam'ron.
He manages to put this HUGE smile across my face whenever I see him.
Even if it has only been via webcam.
I miss him.

[webCAM! Hahaha xD]

Sunday, December 14, 2008


Give me your heart.
I'll put it in an immortal case.
It will never go to waste.
I'll keep it for always.

It's funny thinking about it now.
How I give Joe a name in these things.. these posts..
But I can't bring myself to divulge who you are.
I won't ever feel comfortable with you like I do with him.
But I'll waste my efforts trying anyway.
I'm not sure if I like you or the idea of you.
You aren't the same you in public.
I feel like if you and I spent time together...
Like we did in the movies that day...
I would fall for you.

That day in the movies..
Had me feeling better than I had in a long time.

Joe spent the night.
He's wasting his time on me again.
We kissed. [He kissed me, first.]
We held hands. [He reached for my hand, first.]
We embraced. [He wrapped his arms around me, first.]
We cuddled. [He laid against me, first.]
We fucked. [Well, that was me.. mostly. xD]
Four times. [Each time brought an INCREDIBLE orgasm.]

I love him.
Always will.

Thursday, December 11, 2008


You'd think that at this time of day, things would be good.
They would be lucky.
My beat.

Fuck today, though.
Just fuck it in the ass.

Fuck having to remember 12/11/08.

You have 0 unread messages




I'm waiting.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

The truth is...

-I can't trust you any longer.
-I put my faith in the wrong place.
-I'm not sure how I feel about you anymore.

Sucks to be you, I guess.

The funny thing about all of this is..
I'm not the one that's gonna get hurt this time.
You are.

[About Male 2]


Male One:
Stop drifting in and out of my life.
Please come here and stay with me.
There are somethings you said that I can't get out of my brain.
Male One:"I consider them friend-kisses, just so I don't feel bad about cheating."
Me: "I like you. And I missed you so so so so much."
Male One:" I like you too, and I missed you a lot."
Me: "I know you like me, it's preeeeeetty obvious."
Male One: "Name three signs."
Me: "You came here from 45 minutes away to see me. You kissed ME first when you got here. You just told me that you like me."
Male One: "Okay, I know I like you, but I seriously didn't think you'd come up with three things."
[insert glorious Male One kissies here.]

I'll always love you.

I didn't think you were telling the truth about making time for me and such.
I didn't think you were telling me the truth about missing me.
I didn't think that you wanted to be near me for any other reason than a good fuck.
[& MAN, WAS IT GOOD. It always has been.]

I loved seeing your smiling face next to me.
I loved the kisses you gave me.
I loved holding your hand, cuddling and watching a movie.
I loved when you told me you like me and that you missed me.
Beautiful boy, I love you. Uhg.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

I love

my girlfriend.

We have amazing times.
We're the best bestfriends that anyone could ever be.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

The whispers...

It’s so unclear. I hear them talking, but can’t make out the words. Speak up. Speak clear.

A blur of sounds. They collide.
Or perhaps, they collapse.
That's your choice.
Optimism or pessimism?

I don't feel as if I am a person anymore. As if I am me.
This situation slightly resembling, what would be considered, an "out-of-body" experience.

Today, I am refreshed.
I have been down for two days.
Two whole days.
Non-stop tears.
Non-stop depression.
Non-stop missing you.
I guess I'm kinda lame.
I even called you crying.
I didn't mean to.
I wanted you to care.
I haven't felt like anyone does.
I was hoping...
Wishing with all of my heart...
That, maybe, just maybe...
You'd show me something?
I know you want to see me.
I know you love me.
I know you.
What I don't' know is..
Why you can't show me.
But, I guess the fact that I know is good enough?


I still can't believe that you blew me off today, and yesterday, and last weekend.
Maybe you're afraid of your parents?
Maybe you're too busy getting fucked up to worry about anything else?
Maybe you don't actually want to see me?
Maybe you're just stringing me along like every other boy.
Maybe I really really don't want you to be every other boy.
Show me something, kid.

I love to read your texts.
"Baby, I love you."
It never fails to make my heart skip a beat.
"I miss you."
It never fails to put a smile on my face.


Friday, December 5, 2008

You've yoinked it away. :)

My little ounce of happy for the day.
Yeah, baby. You stole that right out from under me.

I'm ohkay with being second in your life.
Hell, I'm ohkay with being third or last.
As long as I am something.

Lately, I've been asking myself:
"Do you even want to see me?"
Too terrified to ask you, considering you might get offended.
Considering you probably would get offended.
Yeah. You'd be offended.
It's a good thing that I know that much about you.

Not everything is a contest. If I'm not ohkay you ask what's wrong.
You do not tell me how you're just as shitty.
Take care of me for like three seconds.

It all started last night...
Joe called.
Joe: "Blainey, can I come hang out with you?"
Me: "Joe, why do you only call when you want some ass, or need pot, or I don't know. You barely even fucking talk to me anymore."
Joe: "Never mind. You've got school tomorrow.. right? I just wanted to hang out with you."
Me: "Uhg. whatever I'm going back to sleep."

-Five minutes later, I feel horrible for snapping at him. I call back because all I can think about is how amazing it would feel to lay next to him for like an hour or, goodness gracious, until morning.-

Me: "I lied, please come back. I just want to see you."
Joe: "Blainey, I can't now, I'm headed the other direction on Mussetter."
Me: "Please just fucking come back, Joe, you never have time for me, and you finally do."
Joe: "Blainey, I'm going to be free next time you are free. I will come see you, I promise."

..I realize that no matter what, if he asked me to jump, I'd say, "How fucking high do you need my jump to be? One leg or two? Distance hop or in-place?" How fucking sad is that?

I'm still WAITING.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Anticipation ran through my bones...

and my clothes never fit right.

I can't wait 'til we meet again.
First comes heavy breathing.
Staring at the ceiling.
What will happen next?
I don't wanna know.



You've stopped calling like you used to. You used to call every morning. I loved it. I'd wake up and think about you all day. My days weren't bad then. I'm not sure how I feel about that. It means were drifting apart. That bothers me. More than I thought it might. Truth is, I love talking to you on the phone, and through texts, and in person. I love being near you, and trusting you. That is a big thing. Me trusting you, I mean. A big, big, huge, ginormous thing. But, I know you're gonna fuck me over. I'm trying not to let you get in too close, but your gaining strides on my tiny footsteps.

Sing at me, scream at me.
I want to hear your voice.