Sunday, November 30, 2008

There are only a few things that I do not like about you.
But they are big things.

I hate that you can't make a fucking plan to see me.
Even though, you "want to see me so badly."
I hate that you are one tiny little inch shorter than me.
Even though, it really shouldn't matter.
I hate that you think love me because we fit.
Even though, it makes me feel good to be wanted.
I hate that I only see you once a week.
Even though, I've only seen you twice.
I hate that you make more time for drugs than me.
But I'll suck it up, just to make sure that you are okay.


I'll say yes.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Take the pills to ease the pain.

You, my darling dear, live for today and not tomorrow satisfaction.

You love me? Show it.

You hurt me pretty fucking badly. I'm going to let this slide.

What can I say? I'm a pushover.


This is the first guy i've been around who actually treats me well. Like.. nothing stupid I do or say means anything to him. he treats me like he's just really happy that I exist. Who could ever be that dumb? Who the FUCK would want to waste their time missing me, or hoping that they get to see me soon, or cuddling a pillow pretending that it is me? I don't think that I will ever understand this boy. But to be entirely honest, I'm glad. Knowing every next move about a person is boring.

My grandpa is see-through. We get in the car to go to Thanksgiving lunch:

Mom: Why'd you change?
Me: Oh, I didn't want grandpa to comment about me packing on the pounds like he did to Kristin. I don't want to be the lucky one this year!
Dad: He's part of the Retard's Anonymous Club.
Me: Haha. I'm sure he'll say something to someone.

The desert portion of lunch rolls around:

Grandpa: Hey there, Johnny. Are you gaining a bit a weight there, son?
Uncle Johnny: [Obviously embarrassed] Haha, no, dad. I'm the same weight.. it's just not muscle anymore.

Who called it? Me. Smooth save from Uncle Johnny, though.
I don't like people that you can read. It's no fun.


Here's what happened: He worried about me so much that he was willing to freaking leave his party and come get me. I was too scared that he would see how much of a fuck-up I am, and too worried that I would be the cause of his fun going down the drain. He got mad at me because I wouldn't let him come get me. "What the fuck, BLAINE. Where are you, I'm already on my way." Hastily, not thinking, I type, "Too bad." He is mad now. I messed up. I'm not sure what I did, but I know that it was my fault. "Alright. Fine. Ttyl." I texted back many many times, apologizing; begging for him not to be mad at me. "I fucked up before you did. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." Seven of them. The only number that calms me. No reply. I make them take me home. I am not only physically ill, but I am emotionally stunted. I call the second I get home. Hoping, praying, wishing with all of my might that this stupid boy would pick up the phone. Simple ringing on the other end. "Hello..? Hello..? Leave a message." False hope. I call once more when I awake at 12:01. At this point. I am extremely sick and only hoping that he is ohkay. I stopped being worried about me. All I cared about was making sure that he was ohkay. I think we spoke. I can't remember. I don't remember much.

8:30 AM: Phones rings. He is calling. I awaken. We talk until 9:32. He hangs up, "SHIT. I have to call you back." -click-. 10:58. We had spoken between this time and 9:32. His dad threw him head-first into a wall. He is bleeding from his head. As he tells me this, I hold back tears because I am in the kitchen and my mother is right there. He feels a bit better. We hang up. I call back. He has taken pills. He is not himself. He doesn't know what he took. Getting fucked up is his way of coping. I get upset. I am worried about him. This part sucks because if he doesn't worry about himself.. how can I? My idea: I'll worry enough for the both of us. I hang up on him. He apparently hates when people hang up on him. With good reason. He sends me these terrible texts. Ones that really really hurt me. I cry. I am incredibly upset now. I avoid talking to him. I got to lunch with my family. I come home. No calls. I am not good. Facebook messages from him. Two of them:

Kurt Dåmåre
Today at 12:22pm
I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
Thats why I need you to hear

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is You

I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you

[Those lyrics really fit this situation. I believe him.]


Kurt Dåmåre
Today at 12:25pm
call me if you wanna talk to my dumb ass

Two bumper stickers:

One tells me he is thankful for me this thanksgiving.
One that tells me that "RAWR" in Dinosaur means "I love you."

I forget that I am hurt.
I make up an excuse, any excuse to talk to him.

Things are okay now.

"Me: I am severely emotionally attached to you.
Him: Really
Me: Yes.
Him: I'm in love with you i think we should take the next step"
Just wait until you see how I did this:
"Me: Boo. If you are in ANY WAY intoxicated right now. I do not want to have this conversation."

Sunday, November 23, 2008

One: I will give you the best kiss I will ever give a girl.
Me: Therefore, making me the happiest girl in the world. ^_^

I wasn't lying.

Last night confused the shit out of me. I was SO FUCKING SCARED. I don't think I've ever worried that much about anyone in my life. Not even that time that Joe never called me back after he was in Baltimore. That night, I remember being so fucking scared that I left about 487240867204687 voice mails on his machine. This time, though... I called his friend, I messaged his sister, I called and called and called. I was prepared to drive to him and make sure he was ohkay.

I didn't even know that I cared that much. This made me fucking cry. How lame is that? I CRIED because I thought that this guy, that I have only hung out with once and have barely talked to in comparison to other boys, wasn't ohkay. I feel harder than usual this time. I'm not sure what to do.

I am, however, really glad that he likes me as much as I like him. I hope his finger is ohkay. I made him snap it back into place this morning. I could HEAR the bone crack. I was so scared. All that kept running through my mind was, "what if he's already gone," "what if I didn't save him and I could have?" "What in the world will I do without him." I prayed. I don't believe in God and I prayed. Hoping that maybe if I did, he would be ohkay. He was. I don't know whether I had anything to do with it... or if he just ended up being completely fine. But.. I'm fucking glad he is ohkay.
I am glad I finally found someone as fucked up as me.
Thank God, someone who understands me.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Me: I want to be a daisy. :]
One: I want to be your heart.

Who says that? Don't they know that my smile will reach epic proportions?

Me: Baby. You turn my software into hardware. :3
You: You turn my floppy disk into a hard drive ;-)

Who else has a favourite pickup line that is this close to yours?

Friday, November 21, 2008

I have no idea what to do:

One: I miss you, babyy.
Me: Really?
One: Yes, I really do miss you.
Me: Ohkay, so that made me feel alot less retarded for missing you...
One: I really like you, Blaine. Lol
One: Yesss. You are like my other half.

[Reading this made me tear up.]

Two: I miss you!
Two: This separation hurts!
Two: I want to be near you

[You should have seen the smile this gave me.]

And I love Katt.
And I miss Joe.
And I miss Conor.

But you know what I've really missed?
This is a real shocker: Cam'ron.
It's been two years since I've seen him.
I want to visit him in college.
I talk to him damn near everyday.


Me: i shall give you a nickname and it shall forever be yours. Preferences?
One: Lol. Its up to you it was your idea jol
Me: KURBEAR. Similar to KIRBY but much cuter. :] [If you heard me say it.. your cute-o-meter would shit it's pants. It's that cute.]
One: Baby your adorable
Me: I just said the words, "shit it's pants" and so I'm cute? xD
One: Lol whatever :-P
One: Haha. Dont' worry. No one will ever hear it. Just you and me. I have to be feeling awfully cute for nicknames. So... you won't have to hear it often.
One: What if i wanted to :-P
Me: THEN MAYBE. Only On odd numbered days when it's raining in Louisiana. :]

[He even thinks I'm cute when I'm grotesque. Bonus!]

Me: If I sang to you, would you never ever forget the song?
One: Never ever.

[Is it horrible that I believe him with every ounce of my being? He'd remember before I would.]

Thursday, November 20, 2008

I collapse.

I'm picturing you at the bottom of an ocean... and then I woke up.
I think i've made a mess of things, but at least that's something.
We tremble at the heels of all that we fear.

Well you're not brave if you still keep the letters and you're not sane if you don't want to get better and you're not drunk if you can stay in your lane. No.

Well you're not awake but you haven't been sleeping and you hate god but you don't believe in him and you're not scared but you still got you're eyes closed.

The sky explodes, and only you know.

Well it's not fixed if you love it broken and your cell phones at the bottom of the ocean and you're not drunk if you can stay in your lane. No.

Well you're not brave and you're making a lane shift.

You're not lost but you're missing your exit and you're not scared but you still got your eyes closed.

I want you to worry when I don't call you back.
I want you to worry when I don't call you back.
I want you to worry when I don't call you back.
"Lol. Well i want to see you bad. Even if its not for long. I kinda just want to kiss you ."

^^Not only does he have this magical power to put a smile on my face when I don't want one there, butttt, I'm pretty sure he gets me better than I get myself. We've got the same home situation and school stituation. How weird is it that we both have the same Cumulative and regular GPA? Hell, he can even finish my sentences. We work on the same brain-wave.

I dont' really want a relationship. I just can't be alone. This kid is making me want to be with him. Which is weird. The last few guys I've dated, I can honestly say, I felt obligated to be dating them if I was kissing them.. make sense?

REMINDER: I've felt a heart before, and I'm learning what a heart is for. I believe that a heart is made to feel the things that lay infront of it. So I lay before you.

I know, I hold this pain in my heart forever. All eyes are on me now.

What is my issue?!

Monday, November 17, 2008

You're right, I haven't updated in a while.

I probably should.

So here I am.

I had this amazing weekend, finally free of my family. No one to answer to except myself. Well, that was until Conor called. He is angry and confused, and upset over the thing that comes in eight days. The anniversary of his friend's death. he helped me realize I am more selfish than I think I am. I was more worried about the fact he was being mean to me than I was about why he was being that way. I'm kinda of a bitch. Although, I was craving to hear his stupid voice. But it's ohkay, revenge is a bitch. I got drunk and ghooked up with Cate and hung out with his friends. My life is better now. Cate is an awfully good kisser. :]

So there is this new guy. At first, my plan was to just string him along. Maybe make him care about me a bit so I could hurt him. I can't hurt him now. He will hurt me first. I promise that. He is like me. He is everything bad about me, and everything I like about the bad ex's i've had. That is him. He is nice, until he gets annoyed. he screams at his parents for nothing. He has piercings. Some, that I want. he is loyal to his friends, and not so good to his girlfriends. he is a drug addict, and he drinks more than anyone I know. He smokes.. too much. Smoker's cough sounds like he's gonna die. He's like Johnny but better. His voice is just like Joe's. when I hear it, my bones quake. He likes UnderOATH maybe as much as I do. I can't get attached to a guy Iv'e never physically met. Although, maybe that's the best kind of guy. One that you're not just physically attracted to. I've had bad luck with those tough.
But, wait! I dont' want top hurt Leah. She's not my friend and her life and my life don't really coinside, but you don't touch another girls ex. It's kinda like the rules. Well, maybe I deserve to be happy for a little while this time?Unfortunately, he likes me. That's the worst part. That officially means he's bad news.

I spent time with my brother last night. He actually enjoys my company, can you believe that? Who the hell would want to spend time with a fuck-up like me? Rudy doesn't want me to move out or go away because he, too, hates this place we have to call home. He is a really good kid. I hope he doesn't end up like me because that's what he grew up around. He gets me better than they do.

Don't you hate when you can hear your mother talking shit about you to the rest of your family? Always just loud enough for you to hear, always just quiet enough so that you have to listen closely. Terrible.

Don't you hate when music tells you exactly how you feel? It's almost like it can convince you of anything because the beat is so rhythmic, because the thoughts in your mind are already jumbled. Horrible.

Control yourself. Take only what you need from it.
The water is warm, but it is sendin' me shivers.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Oh yeah. We broke up.

I forgot to post that.
It's beeeeeeen... two days or something?

Joe spent the night last night.
I missed him.
Maybe he'll be my rebound guy?

I still like Conor, though.
I know that that is dumb, but whatever.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

I feel like the longer we're apart, the closer to breaking up we're gonna get.

Just call me, please?

Saturday, November 8, 2008

This is all I have to say:

We're not there, but we're close, boobear.

Yes, let me tell you. It hurts.
Please don't hurt me... please?

I didn't even think I cared this much.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

I'm not ohkay.

And for the record:
You have every reason to cheat on me.
You'd almost be stupid if you didn't.
I wouldn't blame you, I know I'm not much.
That's my reasoning for why you might be cheating on me.
Don't take offense.
It's not specifically about you.
It's how I feel about everyone I've ever liked, dated or cared about.

Joe made my paranoia worse because I loved him.
So you can blame him.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Apathy is my best friend.
Read my lips, "threelittlewords."
Good thing I don't care enough.
To show you or tell you how I feel.
Maybe I'm just scared you'll reject me too.

Does it matter?

Ohhh x Bumblebee: I'm ohkay with getting the best of both worlds.
Ohhh x Bumblebee: I'm going to be a greedy little bitch for once in my life.
Ohhh x Bumblebee: I want something good for myself... and here it is.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

I've been thinking...

It makes me sad to know that the one guy that makes me happier than life has been down for the last couple of days. I hate that. I wish I could cheer him up, but I'm not good at that, so I'm trying to back off. At first I was really paranoid that he just didn't want to be around me and that he'd stopped liking me and as sad as it sounds, I thought that he was even planning on breaking up with me because he took his stupid purple hoodie back. Maybe he actually needed it back. that's what he told me, so that's what I'll believe. Because I believe everything he says to me. Because I know that if he wanted to manipulate me, I'd fucking let him. Because I trust him to do that right thing, and if he thinks manipulating me is right, then it prolly is. But anyway. Back to the positives.
I have been talking to one of his best friends, Tim. That kid makes me feel fucking amazing. he's incredibly sweet, kind and he's ridiculously smart to-boot. I trust what comes out of this boy's mouth. He's pretty sincere with what he says. I've been so down lately, I haven't been wanting to put it on anyone, especially not Conor. But Tim makes me feel like I can talk to him no matter what, and now it's pretty much vice versa too, Tim talks to me about a lot. I'm sure Conor hates that I talk to his friends, but I need to have someone I can talk to, and I hope he realizes how fucking amazing his friends are, and that I'm incredibly fucking jealous. Katt knows this. Anyway, Tim has basically been picking up my mood, boosting my self esteem, and making me feel better and less paranoid about Conor and I.
I know it's stupid to think that Conor will cheat on me, but it's all I know. All I know is being cheated on or tossed around, or pulled by my pony tails like a fucking rag-doll. So having something new like this confuses me. It sucks that every time he hangs out with his female friends, I get to wonder if he's fucking them behind my back, or worse, kissing them. Those kisses are mine. Kissing means passion. It means love, heart, hope, togetherness. His lips are for my mouth. I don't care what he does with his penis or whatever, because fucking is fucking. It's just a fuck. But when you kiss someone WHILE you're fucking them.. That means there are feelings. I'm so stupid, and paranoid, and scared.
I know that it's really dumb to think that I am not worth having someone hold a door open for me, or buy me dinner every once in a while, or even take out to dinner, but it is all I know. I have not been on a real date in my entire life. I've dated and dated and dated, but never been on a date. I guess I just always assumed that no one should have to waste their energy or money on me by taking me out. I just thought it was normal to have boyfriends that didn't take their girlfriends on dates. Tim told me it wasn't. That made me really upset, and made my self-worth drop immensely.
Here's another thing, I could always go to the shows that Conor goes to with his friends. I could go to the show, and always have a place to stay. I choose not to go. Or Conor doesn't invite me. Sometimes I wish his friends didn't intimidate me so much. Sometimes, I wish I wasn't exactly like my mother; paranoid about everything, scared of failure. Sometimes, I wish I could be aggressive, and no so fucking passive with everyone all the damn time. That's the only reason that I like this season. I get bitchy, and aggressive for once in my life, and I take initiative to not let people walk all over me, like they normally do. That's how I lose friends, though. No one wants to be around the Blaine that isn't a push-over.
It's dumb to know that I over think such an incredible amount, that I actually convince myself of things that have never happened, and I convince myself of things that will happen, even if it's impossible, or highly unlikely. I guess I like to mind-fuck myself. It's really cool, actually. It helps me be even more of a fucked up human being than usual. :)


I'm addicted to the fact that drugs alter my personality.
I become gentle and sweet when I am on drugs.
That's how I wish I was alllllll the time.
Maybe then I'd have something to rely on.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Halloween & Conor:

I was a Bumblebee.

I blew off my friends to see my boyfriend.
My boyfriend said about nine words to me the whole night.
I blew him off and hang out with Gerry, a LOT.
Gerry left us stranded at my house.

Conor spent the night.
We fooled around.
Surprise, surprise.
Could have had sex, but didn't.

Woke up at 1:31 AM - Period.

Woke up in the morning.
Fooled around.
Surprise, surprise.
My mood dropped, didn't finish him.

I always feel bad about that.
My ADD makes me not finish him.
I get distracted really easily.
I really am sorry.
I know guys hate to be teased.
I don't mean to.

I basically loathe myself.
I don't feel like anything i'm doing is making Conor happy.
But, I'm trying hard as fuck anyway.

Please don't break up with me. I'm begging.

Joe even wants to talk to me. He calls more than Conor does these days. It's like Joe never wants me to get over him. Well guess what, I am over you, Joe Benny. I miss your personality, but I do not miss it enough to be treated like you used to treat me, alllll over again. I couldn't do it even if I wanted to, but I don't. I want to be with Conor Bouton. If he'll still have me...

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Yep. We're goin' down.

I knew it.