Surprise!

He came over for a surprise visit.
I looooved it. :D

He's done that more since we broke up.
Maybe he's going to start loving me again, like he used to.
I'm scared to get my hopes up, because..
I feel like he really doesn't even wanna try to stay with me.
Everything he says, and does, and how he acts with me,
Has been so much better, than it ever was when we were us.

Maybe he really does love me, maybe he really doesn't want to lose me, this time.

Maybe.. I just really want him to love me back.

He fucked her...

...again

Cool. I feel really good.

On the bright-side.
he still loves me...
he sent her an angry message describing that he loves me.
&& he refused to kiss her, because he loves me.
I don't think he would have said it, if it didn't make her upset.

The last few times we've had sex. I have been faking orgasms.
One, because.. I feel like I should be having sex with him, maybe he'll stay around.
Two, I need to know he feels something for me, even if it's lust.
Three, I don't like to make him keep going until I get off, because I take forever... so I let him go.
Four, the sex has been amazing.. like, spectacular... but.. my mind is elsewhere.

I have, however, been reminded that he loves me.

He kissed my like he meant it this past Thursday, and it wasn't just in the heat of the moment.
He looked into my eyes, like something out of a movie, and kissed me, hard and long.

I enjoyed every second.
It's the little things that remind me he still loves me.

I'm not okay.
I need a hug.
I'm not okay.
I need a hug.
I'm not okay.
I need a hug.
I'm not okay.
I need a hug.
I'm not okay.
I need a hug.
I'm not okay.
I need a hug.
I'm not okay.
I need a hug.
I'm not okay.
I need a hug.

Gimme some alcohol so I can drown this mess.

Yesterday

Was amazing.

I felt more beautiful than ever.

He kissed me like he meant it.

He looked at me like he loved me.

He acted like he wanted me there.

He acted like I was his again.



But now that I think back on it.
Being happy about that, isn't a good thing.

Why can't he just love me back?

Oh baybee youuuu, you got what I neeeeed..

...But you say I'm just a friend, but you say I'm just a friend.

A best friend.

he's here.

You think I'd be better by now.
You'd be wrong if you thought that.

I'm worse.

The only time it seems like he wants to be near me is when we fuck.
He always sounds aggravated when I call him, like I'm bothering him.

I have to kiss him first, always.
I have to say "I love you" first, always.

He doesn't even cuddle with me when we sleep next to eachother anymore.
I tried to cuddle with him, and he stayed for a second, and then moved away.

He's falling out of love with me, I can feel it.
I'm so fucking scared.

___________________________________________________

His mom's in the hospital and I understand that.
I know it seems selfish, but he said he'd be with me today.
He just... acted like it wasn't a big deal that he couldn't be with me.
He used to at least act like he was sorry he had to go.

Come to think of it...
He didn't even apologize that he had to break our plans.
He barely even kissed me goodbye.

___________________________________________________

It also seems like she doesn't like me anymore.
I don't know what I did.

She's hung up on me every time we've been on the phone in the last two weeks.
She seems like she doesn't even want to be anywhere near me anymore.

Why does everything have to come crashing down together?

I'm covering my depression with apathy.
I'm covering my depression with books.
I'm covering my depression with silence.
I'm covering my depression with running.

I'm covering my depression.

I'm still depressed.

[I don't even think he noticed that I wasn't okay because of him.]

I lied. I lied. I lied. I lied. I lied. I lied. I lied. I lied. I lied.

I am dying.

I can't take it anymore.

ruptured bowels (11:10:41 PM): i'm sorry blainey
ruptured bowels (11:10:47 PM): don't die
ruptured bowels (11:10:52 PM): i'd be overly upset
ruptured bowels (11:11:19 PM): many worse things have passed, and so will this
ruptured bowels (11:11:29 PM): it's goign to be alright
ruptured bowels (11:11:35 PM): things will get better
MyHeartIsSturdyx (11:11:42 PM): No. they won't.
MyHeartIsSturdyx (11:11:46 PM): They never do
MyHeartIsSturdyx (11:11:53 PM): I don't care who says they will get better
MyHeartIsSturdyx (11:11:57 PM): THEY NEVER FUCKING DO.

MyHeartIsSturdyx (11:12:43 PM): Everytime anything goes right
MyHeartIsSturdyx (11:12:44 PM): it's like
MyHeartIsSturdyx (11:12:49 PM): nine hundred other things go wrong.
MyHeartIsSturdyx (11:12:52 PM): And I'm tired of it
MyHeartIsSturdyx (11:12:55 PM): Joe and I were perfect
MyHeartIsSturdyx (11:13:03 PM): everything was perfect
MyHeartIsSturdyx (11:13:08 PM): we never fought
MyHeartIsSturdyx (11:13:24 PM): we never yelled at eachother
MyHeartIsSturdyx (11:13:28 PM): we love the same music
MyHeartIsSturdyx (11:13:30 PM): I support him
MyHeartIsSturdyx (11:13:35 PM): he supports me.
MyHeartIsSturdyx (11:13:40 PM): I LOVE HIM
MyHeartIsSturdyx (11:13:42 PM): HE LOVES ME.
MyHeartIsSturdyx (11:13:53 PM): and then God had to play games with his emotions.
MyHeartIsSturdyx (11:14:03 PM): And give him the feeling that Joe and I weren't meant to be.
MyHeartIsSturdyx (11:14:07 PM): And so, Joe broke up with me.
MyHeartIsSturdyx (11:14:12 PM): The worst fucking part
MyHeartIsSturdyx (11:14:15 PM): is that he still loves me
MyHeartIsSturdyx (11:14:19 PM): and won't be with me.
MyHeartIsSturdyx (11:14:29 PM): That's a good portion of the reason why I'm losing weight
MyHeartIsSturdyx (11:14:31 PM): maybe I'm too fat.
MyHeartIsSturdyx (11:14:36 PM): or not pretty enough.
MyHeartIsSturdyx (11:14:38 PM): or.
MyHeartIsSturdyx (11:14:42 PM): WTF is wrong with me
MyHeartIsSturdyx (11:14:44 PM): what did I do wrong.
MyHeartIsSturdyx (11:14:48 PM): I don't understand.

So... It's been eight days.

And... I'm not dying, I'm numb.

Which is worse, though?


Why can't you just love me back?





<--- I am going to be with her one day.

So.. It's been four days.

And I think I'm dying.
__________________________

He was the last little tiny bit of anything that I had left. Something I could only hope would never go away. I haven't even got a family anymore. I have an alcoholic, pot head, abusive father. I have a mother who cares so much about what other people think she lives in fear of letting anyone down, causing her to treat the only people she's supposed to love with pent up aggression. I have a brother, who is labeled "the good kid" the one that no one suspects does anything wrong, who is actually way worse than me. Even my fucking dog can't stand to be around me.

All I had was him.
Justkiddingbecause...
Poof. He's gone too.
_______________________________
What the fuck is there to live for?
Someone fucking kill me.
_______________________________

I went to bed.. never, last night. Instead I woke up every twenty minutes crying or fidgeting because I'm not fucking okay. Is it sad that the only person I want to se, or touch, or be around, or love, is the person making me fucking miserable? How the fuck can you love someone as much as you say you do, and then just.. leave them, for a fucking GUT FEELING. I don't understand. What did I do?
_______________________________

I prayed the other night. I don't pray, I don't even believe in God. But I hoped that maybe if there was someone up there who grants prayers, maybe they'd be willing to help me. I didn't pray for anything selfish, either. I prayed that his feeling would just go away. I didn't pray for him to come back to me, and I didn't pray for him to love me back. Once his feeling goes away, he has two options, he can come back to me, and realize he was stupid to let me go, or he can stay astray from me, and he can find the person he's really meant to be with. I just want him to be happy, I guess.

_______________________________

Any time anyone tells me how stupid he is for letting me go, I defend him.
Any time anyone tells me that he made a mistake, I defend him.
Any time anyone insults him, I defend him.

Because, he's the most amazing, intelligent, amusing, personable, friendly, loving, gentile person, I have ever met. In my entire 16 years of living. Trust me, I have met a lot of fucking people. I know everyone, I'm like.. a big deal or something. Just kidding. I'm an idiot, who likes to make a fool of herself. :D