Monday, June 2, 2008

So.. It's been four days.

And I think I'm dying.

He was the last little tiny bit of anything that I had left. Something I could only hope would never go away. I haven't even got a family anymore. I have an alcoholic, pot head, abusive father. I have a mother who cares so much about what other people think she lives in fear of letting anyone down, causing her to treat the only people she's supposed to love with pent up aggression. I have a brother, who is labeled "the good kid" the one that no one suspects does anything wrong, who is actually way worse than me. Even my fucking dog can't stand to be around me.

All I had was him.
Poof. He's gone too.

What the fuck is there to live for?
Someone fucking kill me.

I went to bed.. never, last night. Instead I woke up every twenty minutes crying or fidgeting because I'm not fucking okay. Is it sad that the only person I want to se, or touch, or be around, or love, is the person making me fucking miserable? How the fuck can you love someone as much as you say you do, and then just.. leave them, for a fucking GUT FEELING. I don't understand. What did I do?

I prayed the other night. I don't pray, I don't even believe in God. But I hoped that maybe if there was someone up there who grants prayers, maybe they'd be willing to help me. I didn't pray for anything selfish, either. I prayed that his feeling would just go away. I didn't pray for him to come back to me, and I didn't pray for him to love me back. Once his feeling goes away, he has two options, he can come back to me, and realize he was stupid to let me go, or he can stay astray from me, and he can find the person he's really meant to be with. I just want him to be happy, I guess.


Any time anyone tells me how stupid he is for letting me go, I defend him.
Any time anyone tells me that he made a mistake, I defend him.
Any time anyone insults him, I defend him.

Because, he's the most amazing, intelligent, amusing, personable, friendly, loving, gentile person, I have ever met. In my entire 16 years of living. Trust me, I have met a lot of fucking people. I know everyone, I'm like.. a big deal or something. Just kidding. I'm an idiot, who likes to make a fool of herself. :D

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