Sunday, October 26, 2008

I love love love love love being a fuck-up, dude.
It's my favourite ever.

[Other than Conor, of course.]

By the way:

I realized that I am too stupid to get my shit straight.

I realized that I am basically only happy when I do drugs.

I realized that I am slowly slipping into the ninth grade Blaine.

I realized that it wasn't his fault.


Thor: heyy
Me: Hai.
Me: hao r u
Me: My power has been out for the last 3 and a half hours.
Thor: wow
Thor: im sorry
Thor: how else have you been
Thor: how was your weekend
Me: I have been having to listen to my fucking family cuss eachother out
Me: all fucking night
Me: AND I'm depressed as fuck.
Me: oh, and Conor prolly hates me, to-boot.
Thor: :[
Me: Just.. genuinely depressed.
Me: My mood sucks.
Me: all the fucking time.
Thor: mmm
Me: I haven't felt HAPPY in weeks.
Me: && I've been basically horrible to Conor whenever I feel like it because I'm a stupid cunt and can't control my emotions for shit.
Me: He's good to me no matter what. God damn it.
Me: I haven't felt anything other than depressed or angry in weeks.
Thor: its not totally uncommon to feel those emotions
Thor: so how was the rest of Saturday
Me: Conor and I did nothing.
Me: When I was with him I felt fucking amazing, like it was the best way in the world to spend my birthday, and he wanted so badly to make me happy, and while I was there, with him, I was.
Me: But then I got home and I realized that it was a lame way to spend my birthday because it was like ANY OTHER DAY.
Me: That doesn't change anything, though. My birthday, I mean.
Me: I've never had a good one anyway. So in comparison, this one fucking ruled.
Me: Even if it wasn't more exciting than any other day. hell, people even fucking REMEMBERED this year.
Thor: werdd
Thor: im sorry your birthday weekend went so lamely
Me: I wasn't excited that it was my birthday
Me: I wasn't happy getting gifts
Me: or birthday wishes
Me: nothing mattered to me.
Me: AT ALL. I had complete apathy.
Thor: i'm sry
Me: I feel like an uber bitch
Thor: s'all good
Thor: everybody has their days and or weeeks
Thor: so when are we ever going to hang out again and or see each other


Me: OH YEAH. Not only do I have anger and depression, but I also am filled with paranoia and apathy and ALL I WANT TO DO IS DRUGS.
Thor: that's normal for me
Thor: paranoia and alienated self loathing is what i constantly feel
Me: I feel like you.
Thor: its nice isn't it?
Thor: taking retreat and finding solace in a ball of self hatred
Me: I don't understand this.
Me: Everything has been going pretty damn good.
Me: but I don't FEEL good.
Thor: werd
Thor: i g2g
Me: Kayz.
Me: Thanks for listening. :c

I settled on this for English:


It seems as though, these sad songs just keep playing.
Drawing me back to a place that I am all too familiar with.
Caressing my inner depression.
Teasing my insecurities.
Destroying any hope of an opening,
That I can squeeze myself free through.
I am too fragile to make it out alive.

I cannot bend, budge, or move to your will.
I cannot send the stress to sunsets, and forget.
I ca not smother the feeling something is altered.
That something has changed.
I am not me. I think the music is winning.

It seems as though, these sad songs just keep playing.
Shattering me like a mirror,
One thousand shards or more to tidy.
Cutting myself trying to pick them up,
With bare hands and sensitive flesh.
They heal over, yet the scars remain.
I am too fragile to make it out alive.

I cannot see the forest for the trees.
I cannot read between the lines, or sing the right notes.
Here I am, now, singing along.
Feeling every emotion the words entail.
I am not me. I think the music is winning.

It seems as though, these sad songs just keep playing.
Drawing me deeper with each new beat.
Letting me down with each sorrowful lyric.
Caressing my ear drums.
Teasing my emotions.
Destroying any sound that might provoke me
To be anything but how I am right now.

The music has definitely won.
I am too fragile to make it out alive."

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