Thursday, October 23, 2008

Autumn's Offering:

With Autumn...
Comes my depression.
Comes the cold.
Comes my mood swings.
Comes loss of friends.
Comes the end of marking period one.
Worst of all, with Autumn comes my birthday.

My birthday is the most loathed holiday in a years time. JUST beating Christmas. My birthday has never been a celebration. I can't remember one good thing about ANY of my birthdays. I've had seventeen of them by Saturday. Zero out of seventeen. What an unscathed record. I even cancelled my birthday dinner this year in fear of it being just like all of the other birthdays.

Reasons for cancelling my birthday dinner:
-No one should ever have to pay for my ANYTHING.
-No one should ahve to rearrange their schedule for me.
-I am an inconvenience.
-No one wanted to come other than Katt, Fire, Tessa, and Thor.
-My boyfriend would rather spend time with his friends.
-I am genuinely depressed, and have no motivation for anything.
-I am too emotional for my own good.
-I wanted Katt to maybe see Evan Friday night so that she'd make him smile.
-No one has a way there, anyway.
-Blake doesn't even want to be around me.

Am I really turning into Alex?

Read my fears:
-Being fat. [He didn't mean to, but called me fat. I freaked out. That's a big fear of mine.]
-Being too ________. [He didn't mean it in a bad way, but he said that I kiss him alot more than his crazy ex. I don't want to be his crazy girlfriend. Fuck.] I dont' want to be too much of ANYTHING.
-Turning into Alex. [Blake told me I was turning into Alex. I wanted to cry on the spot.]
-Crying too much. [I'm an emotional wreck.]
-Fucking shit up with Conor. [I will. I know it. I'm waiting for it.]
-I'm terrified I'll be alone. Horrified; scared shitless.

Is it pathetic that I am legitimately crying right now?


-I haven't had a bad day.
-I am getting paid to babysit kids that are asleep right now.
-I've got it easy.

Not Pathetic:
- I miss Conor.
- I feel like my friends are drifting from me.
- I'm insecure as fuck right now.
- I feel alone.
- Autumn makes me depressed.
- I hate my birthday.
- My mom hates me more than usual.
- I'm a terrible daughter and student.
- I only want to get fucked up right now.
- Getting fucked up makes me happy.



Let me tell you about Conor.

I like him, alot.
I like when he puts his glasses on and looks like a MAJOR indie kid.
I like the way he looks at me like I matter to him, like I mean something.
I like when his hair is allll messed up, because he still looks adorable.
I like when he kisses my cheek, I like it more than when he kisses my mouth.
I like when he says stupid things that don't make any sense because he's tired and won't admit it.
I like that he tells me he misses me, since when do people miss me?
I like that he seems to care about me like I care about him. I'm not used to that.
I like when he wears his yellow T-shirt with the heart being filled because it looks good on him.
I like when he wants to hold my hand in front of people, since when are people not ashamed of me?
I like the fact that no matter how bitchy I am, he's sweet to me.
I like that he thinks me being delirious when I wake up is cute.
I like that I feel safe wearing my heart on my sleeve in front of him.
I like that after we kiss he gets this adorable smirk on his face that he always tries to hide.
I like that he actually wants me to hang out with him and his friends.
I like that he constantly make me feel like I'm worth something.
I like when he wears his silly scarves simply because he loves them, not because he's trying to be cool.
I like that he's uncomfortable with the AEHS girls always wanting to fuck him.
I like that he keeps texting me even when I know I'm annoying him.
I like that his heart is always in the right place.
I like that he's not worried too much about impressing people.

I dislike when he's with his friends and he's more immature than usual.
Maturity means growth.
I dislike when he wants to put his finger in my nose.
I dislike how he is entirely vulgar with me, even thought that means he's comfortable.
I try hard as fuck to keep him liking me. It's like he doesn't care if I stay or go. He doesn't want to impress me anymore.
I dislike how he blows off talking to me when he's with his "other" group of friends or how he forgets to call me when he gets home from being with them, even when I say, "Please don't forget about me."
"I never do" is a lie. They pretty much only get him into bad situations, anyway.
I dislike how he doesn't have time to talk to me on the phone anymore, or how he calls too late, and gets sleepy.
He used to always have time. Maybe now that he has me, he doesn't feel like he has to try anymore.
I dislike how he says things without thinking, because even when he's kidding.. I take it seriously.
I'm insecure and sensitive. I hid my face in your shit when you accidentally called me fat because I was tearing up. That's what Alex does to me. Everything he says eats away at me.
I dislike how he doesn't talk to me when he's not okay.
If he can't open up, why the fuck should I? Maybe I'll go back to talking to Joe when I'm not okay.

I don't dislike much. Most of those things are small anyway. I'm scared, though. All small things get bigger, and grow. They don't just go away. I don't want to lose him. Maybe I'm just being stupid. However, it's ohkay because I don't have the balls to say any of this to his face. Nothing can possibly change if he never knows how I feel, right? Good. Let's keep it that way. I'm fucking ridiculously happy with him. DO NOT MISINTERPRET. Everyone dislikes things about someone else, no matter who they are. The good outweighs the bad, anyway.

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