Monday, October 13, 2008

Questions to consider:

--So I guess we're falling apart? Two oposite directions, one destination. Maybe we're just having a rough week, or a rough few days. Alex says that it's normal to be confused at about one month, but what does he know? He's never been in any type of a real relationship before. I've been in plenty. I just can't seem to remember how I felt.
--&& That's how i've been feeling. Clouded. Distant. Confused. My appetite has been smaller than usual. My mind has been far from here. I simply can't help but be scared.
--That's the word that seems to fit me as of late.
Scared.
Scared of trusting.
Scared of loving.
Scared of falling.
Scared of feeling.
Scared of being happy.
Scared of committing.
He doesn't even know. I'm a wreck.
--Missing him has become my priority. Not good. I am definitely reading too much into this. thinking too much about thses last couple days. We all have our times when we just need space.
Maybe he just needs space?
I'm prolly smothering him. No, not the like the song by The Used.
Maybe I did something wrong?
I haven't been very receptive lately. No, not liket he underOATH song.
Uhg. This is no good.
Maybe he's just as confused as I am?
I doubt it. Boys don't overthink like women do. People don't overthink like I do.
Maybe Gerry is right?
I hope he is.
Maybe I shouldn't just give up?
But that's the easy way.. and you know me, Blogger.
I love the easy way out.
I'm pretty much just a dumb slut. I knew myself all along.
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Why can't I just understand? I'm not used to not having someone to go to. I'm used to having Joe around, or Jacob, or Katt.. or anyone. This isn't how it's supposed to be. I'm pushing him away. I won't open up. I'm like a clam protecting it's pearl.
I wish everything was over.
Does that sound too emotional? I do, though. I'm weak. Very, very feeble and weak. Maybe I should just isolate myself? I've recently noticed that ALL of thses posts are full of emotion. I am emotion. I hate that. I've built up this wall where no one can come in. I've built up this wall of apathy. I am not ready to have it be torn down again.
After Joe.. I don't know what I can let in. Lucky me, Conor is a liquid, and can peirce through my crevaces. I'm afraid of letting him in. Yet, it feels so right.
Why can't things just be easy, Blogger?
I'll be waiting for your reply.


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I found the Holy Bible on a bench outside the courthouse
And I am scared because I do not think of God, no no
The thoughts that cross my mind
Are neither holy, nor divine
Just simple human longings for the boy who does not believe
He once believed in me

So I walked on and stuffed that heavy new book under my arm
And then I got in my car and drove on home
I thought of words he said
'Bout where we're going once we're dead
But other worries fill my head
It's selfish and I know I'm wrong
But I'll miss him when he's gone

Yeah I still fear the black
But there's no looking back
And if I'm dying, I'm just dying for you, dear
Can't tell which way to go
I doubt we'll ever know
Let's take advantage of the time that we've got here
'Cause time's all we've got here

I made it home, unlocked the door, and tossed that book onto the floor
Where it sat waiting like I'm waiting for the truth, so
I put it in a box under my bed, with all those silly things I've kept
And I will leave it there unread, so I can get back to
Figuring out how I'll get through today and tomorrow

Yeah I still fear the black
But there's no looking back
And if I'm dying, I'm just dying for you, dear
Can't tell which way to go
I doubt we'll ever know
Let's take advantage of the time that we've got here
'Cause time's all we've got here

And if it's just gonna end, what's the point of it all?
Call it quits, cut out early, this is surely your fault
When I fall back to you, I am through, I am through
Oh but I do...I do...

Yeah I still fear the black
But there's no lookin' back
And if I'm dying, I'm just dying for you, dear
Can't tell which way to go
I doubt we'll ever know
Let's take advantage of the time that we've got here
'Cause time's all we've got here


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