Thursday, November 27, 2008

Take the pills to ease the pain.

You, my darling dear, live for today and not tomorrow satisfaction.

You love me? Show it.

You hurt me pretty fucking badly. I'm going to let this slide.

What can I say? I'm a pushover.

edit_



This is the first guy i've been around who actually treats me well. Like.. nothing stupid I do or say means anything to him. he treats me like he's just really happy that I exist. Who could ever be that dumb? Who the FUCK would want to waste their time missing me, or hoping that they get to see me soon, or cuddling a pillow pretending that it is me? I don't think that I will ever understand this boy. But to be entirely honest, I'm glad. Knowing every next move about a person is boring.

My grandpa is see-through. We get in the car to go to Thanksgiving lunch:

Mom: Why'd you change?
Me: Oh, I didn't want grandpa to comment about me packing on the pounds like he did to Kristin. I don't want to be the lucky one this year!
Dad: He's part of the Retard's Anonymous Club.
Me: Haha. I'm sure he'll say something to someone.

The desert portion of lunch rolls around:

Grandpa: Hey there, Johnny. Are you gaining a bit a weight there, son?
Uncle Johnny: [Obviously embarrassed] Haha, no, dad. I'm the same weight.. it's just not muscle anymore.

Who called it? Me. Smooth save from Uncle Johnny, though.
I don't like people that you can read. It's no fun.

edit_

Here's what happened: He worried about me so much that he was willing to freaking leave his party and come get me. I was too scared that he would see how much of a fuck-up I am, and too worried that I would be the cause of his fun going down the drain. He got mad at me because I wouldn't let him come get me. "What the fuck, BLAINE. Where are you, I'm already on my way." Hastily, not thinking, I type, "Too bad." He is mad now. I messed up. I'm not sure what I did, but I know that it was my fault. "Alright. Fine. Ttyl." I texted back many many times, apologizing; begging for him not to be mad at me. "I fucked up before you did. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." Seven of them. The only number that calms me. No reply. I make them take me home. I am not only physically ill, but I am emotionally stunted. I call the second I get home. Hoping, praying, wishing with all of my might that this stupid boy would pick up the phone. Simple ringing on the other end. "Hello..? Hello..? Leave a message." False hope. I call once more when I awake at 12:01. At this point. I am extremely sick and only hoping that he is ohkay. I stopped being worried about me. All I cared about was making sure that he was ohkay. I think we spoke. I can't remember. I don't remember much.


8:30 AM: Phones rings. He is calling. I awaken. We talk until 9:32. He hangs up, "SHIT. I have to call you back." -click-. 10:58. We had spoken between this time and 9:32. His dad threw him head-first into a wall. He is bleeding from his head. As he tells me this, I hold back tears because I am in the kitchen and my mother is right there. He feels a bit better. We hang up. I call back. He has taken pills. He is not himself. He doesn't know what he took. Getting fucked up is his way of coping. I get upset. I am worried about him. This part sucks because if he doesn't worry about himself.. how can I? My idea: I'll worry enough for the both of us. I hang up on him. He apparently hates when people hang up on him. With good reason. He sends me these terrible texts. Ones that really really hurt me. I cry. I am incredibly upset now. I avoid talking to him. I got to lunch with my family. I come home. No calls. I am not good. Facebook messages from him. Two of them:

Kurt Dåmåre
Today at 12:22pm
I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
Thats why I need you to hear

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is You

I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you

[Those lyrics really fit this situation. I believe him.]

&&

Kurt Dåmåre
Today at 12:25pm
call me if you wanna talk to my dumb ass


Two bumper stickers:

One tells me he is thankful for me this thanksgiving.
One that tells me that "RAWR" in Dinosaur means "I love you."

I forget that I am hurt.
I make up an excuse, any excuse to talk to him.

Things are okay now.



"Me: I am severely emotionally attached to you.
Him: Really
Me: Yes.
Him: I'm in love with you i think we should take the next step"
Just wait until you see how I did this:
"Me: Boo. If you are in ANY WAY intoxicated right now. I do not want to have this conversation."
Iknewhewas.

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