It makes me sad to know that the one guy that makes me happier than life has been down for the last couple of days. I hate that. I wish I could cheer him up, but I'm not good at that, so I'm trying to back off. At first I was really paranoid that he just didn't want to be around me and that he'd stopped liking me and as sad as it sounds, I thought that he was even planning on breaking up with me because he took his stupid purple hoodie back. Maybe he actually needed it back. that's what he told me, so that's what I'll believe. Because I believe everything he says to me. Because I know that if he wanted to manipulate me, I'd fucking let him. Because I trust him to do that right thing, and if he thinks manipulating me is right, then it prolly is. But anyway. Back to the positives.
I have been talking to one of his best friends, Tim. That kid makes me feel fucking amazing. he's incredibly sweet, kind and he's ridiculously smart to-boot. I trust what comes out of this boy's mouth. He's pretty sincere with what he says. I've been so down lately, I haven't been wanting to put it on anyone, especially not Conor. But Tim makes me feel like I can talk to him no matter what, and now it's pretty much vice versa too, Tim talks to me about a lot. I'm sure Conor hates that I talk to his friends, but I need to have someone I can talk to, and I hope he realizes how fucking amazing his friends are, and that I'm incredibly fucking jealous. Katt knows this. Anyway, Tim has basically been picking up my mood, boosting my self esteem, and making me feel better and less paranoid about Conor and I.
I know it's stupid to think that Conor will cheat on me, but it's all I know. All I know is being cheated on or tossed around, or pulled by my pony tails like a fucking rag-doll. So having something new like this confuses me. It sucks that every time he hangs out with his female friends, I get to wonder if he's fucking them behind my back, or worse, kissing them. Those kisses are mine. Kissing means passion. It means love, heart, hope, togetherness. His lips are for my mouth. I don't care what he does with his penis or whatever, because fucking is fucking. It's just a fuck. But when you kiss someone WHILE you're fucking them.. That means there are feelings. I'm so stupid, and paranoid, and scared.
I know that it's really dumb to think that I am not worth having someone hold a door open for me, or buy me dinner every once in a while, or even take out to dinner, but it is all I know. I have not been on a real date in my entire life. I've dated and dated and dated, but never been on a date. I guess I just always assumed that no one should have to waste their energy or money on me by taking me out. I just thought it was normal to have boyfriends that didn't take their girlfriends on dates. Tim told me it wasn't. That made me really upset, and made my self-worth drop immensely.
Here's another thing, I could always go to the shows that Conor goes to with his friends. I could go to the show, and always have a place to stay. I choose not to go. Or Conor doesn't invite me. Sometimes I wish his friends didn't intimidate me so much. Sometimes, I wish I wasn't exactly like my mother; paranoid about everything, scared of failure. Sometimes, I wish I could be aggressive, and no so fucking passive with everyone all the damn time. That's the only reason that I like this season. I get bitchy, and aggressive for once in my life, and I take initiative to not let people walk all over me, like they normally do. That's how I lose friends, though. No one wants to be around the Blaine that isn't a push-over.
It's dumb to know that I over think such an incredible amount, that I actually convince myself of things that have never happened, and I convince myself of things that will happen, even if it's impossible, or highly unlikely. I guess I like to mind-fuck myself. It's really cool, actually. It helps me be even more of a fucked up human being than usual. :)
I'm addicted to the fact that drugs alter my personality.
I become gentle and sweet when I am on drugs.
That's how I wish I was alllllll the time.
Maybe then I'd have something to rely on.