Wednesday, December 17, 2008

There you are, sir.

You know what else? You stopped calling like you used to.. or talking to me like you used to. It's like you think that you don't have to try with me anymore because you've already caught me. It's dumb. WHY DO GUYS DO THAT. ERG. I'm going to regret saying these things in the morning. But I need to clear my head. I am sorry. Please don't take this as you're a fuck up, or as I don't like you anymore, and don't think that I deserve better. because if I wanted better. I wouldn't have chosen you to be with. On a scale of one to ten here is what I honestly think. [1 is lowest priority 10 is highest]. Drugs are about a 37 and I am about a... 3? I completely understand your drug use. & I completely understand your alcohol abuse. You do it because anything is better than reality. I DO THE SAME THING. But please GOD consider the fact that MAYBE you can be happy without that shit being choked down your throat everyday. Let me in, Kurt. Cool, I haven't gained your trust yet? Rad. Even if it's not me that you let in. Let SOMEONE in. Jean-Claude, maybe? You cna be happy if you want to be. But in allll honesty. I don't think you want to be. So, yeah. You grew up with a family that fucked you over. So, yeah. The accident made you miserable, it traumatized you. So, yeah. All of your friends have now gone away to college, and you have no idea what to do with yourself when you can't see them. I get it. You feel alone. You don't understand why you are here. Why you are alive. You feel like no one can even remotely relate to you and your woes. You hate yourself. You want nothing more than to be up in heaven with your family members. You miss them. I get it. Here's the deal. You would NOT be here, unless you were meant to be. I strongly believe that with every fiber of my being. I would NEVER give you false hope, or tell you shit will get better when it won't. I am honest. brutally honest. Things COULD get better. If you let them. All I want to do is help everything get better for you. And be with you, and see you whenever I can. I will be there when your dad beats you. I will be there when you get SO fucked up that you can't move, or forget to breathe, or choke on your vomit, or in any other way, maim yourself. If you let me be there. I can't help you if you won't let me. So this allll depends on you. If you want help, you need to trust me. I'm not like everyone else. I am me. I'm crazy and abrasive and vulgar. I can be sweet as sugar or a raging bitch. I am intelligent, wise, and hold no special talents other than hoping for the best for everyone but herself. You can take a chance and let me in. Or you can drop this whole stupid thing we have here. Where I give a lot and you give nothing. Not even a freaking phone call.

No comments: